Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development.
Smartphones
have become a popular toy for our young generation meanwhile, it has taken most of our children's time
which creates a lot of concern. While
some state that it has a positive effect, others argue that it has more shortfalls. In this
essay, I will discuss why youth spend hours on mobile gadgets and, at the same time
, specify why I believe they have drawbacks to the development of young adults.
To begin
with, children enjoy playing on smartphones
for various reasons. The popularity of mobile apps attracted the interest of children whereby spend most of their time
on them. For instance
, TikTok, Facebook and video makers are favourite apps, which students use on a daily basis. Mind-blowing online games have increased popularity
. PUBG is a mobile game that our young enjoy playing Change preposition
in popularity
while
talking to each other at the same time
.
Despite all these reasons, sticking to smartphones
has a detrimental effect on a child's development. While
spending lengthy hours on smartphones
, current generations tend to lose their social skills. This
is a consequence of distracted attention from performing normal activities of daily living such
as house chores and outdoor duties. Additionally
, students who are interested in their mobile phones become less active physically. Most develop obesity and become physically unfit.
In conclusion, attractive mobile apps and games cause prolonged usage of phones by youth. I believe this
produces a diminishing effect on them through loss of social activity and negative health impact which should draw the attention of decision-makers.Submitted by halaapiapi1984 on
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task achievement
It’s important to further develop your supporting examples to make your argument stronger. Specifically, including concrete data or studies could solidify your points.
coherence cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures more to enhance readability and engage the reader. This can also help to more vividly express your ideas.
task achievement
While discussing the disadvantages, continuing with examples, as you started, would maintain consistency and make your argumentation stronger.
coherence cohesion
Use more transition words or phrases to ensure smoother flow between paragraphs and within them. This can enhance coherence.
task achievement
You have done well in providing a balanced view on the subject, by discussing both the attraction of smartphones and the associated negative outcomes.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well structured, providing a clear overview of your essay’s direction and summarizing the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have used a range of vocabulary aptly suited to the topic, which enhances the quality of the essay.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite