IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effect #health
There has been arguing over technical development's advantages or not. I absolutely agree that
this
 problem is harmful to our
health
. Advocates contend that inventions like the computer and television would be more helpful for making our lives more efficient and easygoing. They believe that technology development will be our alternative option in the future.
Hence
, these gadgets give us ways to improve our
health
, like using apps.
For example
, we can use the apps to calculate our heart rate.
Moreover
, some apps would be useful when we face emergency situations by calling the police or hospital.
However
, working out our bodies is a crucial factor in maintaining our
health
. Sweating from our bodies can give us more energy and relieve our stress from the workplace. Since our body is not a machine, we should keep it moving and get adequate rest. Adolescents, including children, should exercise more than adults. Because they have been growing bodies, it is not good that their addiction to state-of-the-art technology leads them to have fewer communication skills. There has been research that shows that addicted children lack conception and efficiency in
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
. In conclusion, from my perspective, I truly believe that excessive use of computers and television might be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 us if they are overused. I would like to say that a healthy body goes
along with
 good mental
health
.
Submitted by enoklee on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to maintain a balanced argument when discussing both sides. While you've stated your agreement, including counterarguments and refuting them would make your stance stronger.
task achievement
Consider expanding on the examples you provide, by explaining how they directly impact health. This can make your argument more persuasive and your examples more relevant.
coherence cohesion
To improve clarity, focus on paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea followed by supporting details. Avoid mixing different ideas within the same paragraph.
coherence cohesion
You might want to start your introduction with a broader statement about the relevance of the topic before stating your stance. This can improve the flow and set the scene for your argument.
task achievement
You've effectively used a range of vocabulary to discuss the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion succinctly sums up your essay's main points and reiterates your stance, which helps reinforce your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: