In some countries, people's weight has significantlyincreased, while their levels of health have decreased. What do you think may be the causes of this problem,and what solutions can you suggest to solve them?

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Obesity has become a common health disease among
people
all over the world. There are several factors that
contributes
Change the verb form
contribute
show examples
to
this
disease and I will discuss those in
this
writing,
along with
remedies to curb
this
issue. To commence with the first cause
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
unhealthy
Add an article
an unhealthy
show examples
diet.
People
especially children
likes
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like
show examples
to eat fast
food
like pizza, burgers etcetera compared to fresh fruits and vegetables.
Consequently
,
this
food
goes into the stomach and
build
Correct subject-verb agreement
builds
show examples
unwanted fat in it, which later makes
people
obese.
In addition
, the reason behind eating
such
food
is not only the good taste but
also
hectic
Correct article usage
the hectic
show examples
schedule. Nowadays,
people
are very busy in their jobs, they have less time for cooking. In spite
making
Change preposition
of making
show examples
food
at home, they prefer to order it from restaurants.
Besides
this
,
Correct article usage
a sendentary
show examples
sendentary
Correct your spelling
sedentary
lifestyle is another root cause of
this
disease.
People
spend most of their time sitting on a chair or lying on a bed. They do lack
of
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apply
show examples
exercise which
further
affects their fitness level. Moving
further
towards the steps to solve
this
issue, first of
all
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all,
show examples
a person should make a healthy diet plan and check his intake on
regular
Correct article usage
a regular
show examples
basis.
Besides
, intermediate fasting is
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
effective method for
loosing
Replace the word
losing
show examples
weight.
Moreover
, he should exercise daily for at least half an hour. If he/ she does not have enough time for physical exercises, they can go to work on
bicycle
Add an article
a bicycle
show examples
,
use
Correct word choice
and use
show examples
stairs
instead
of elevators. By making little
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
, they will not only control their weight but
also
save themselves from other diseases
such
as heart attack. To
conculde
Correct your spelling
conclude
, health is wealth.
people
should focus on
maintaing
Correct your spelling
maintaining
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle by eating nutritious meals and doing physical exercises.
Submitted by lovekirandeepk on

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Vocabulary
Work on improving the range and accuracy of your vocabulary. While your essay uses a variety of terms, there's room for more precise and advanced vocabulary use. Avoid overly simple expressions and strive for more sophisticated language.
Grammar
Pay close attention to spelling, punctuation, and grammatical errors, such as 'sendentary' instead of 'sedentary' and ensuring correct use of articles. These small inaccuracies can detract from the overall quality of your essay.
Cohesion
Enhance coherence by linking ideas more smoothly between sentences and paragraphs. Using a wider range of linking words and phrases can improve the flow of your essay and make your arguments more compelling.
Task Response
You effectively addressed both parts of the prompt, examining causes and proposing solutions for the issue, which shows a strong understanding of the task requirements.
Coherence
You structured your essay clearly, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which made your argument easy to follow.
Content
Your essay included relevant examples to support your points, making your arguments more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • malnutrition
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • nutritional value
  • caloric intake
  • physical inactivity
  • metabolic disorders
  • public health policies
  • holistic wellness
  • sustainable eating habits
  • urban planning
  • dietary guidelines
  • exercise regimen
  • preventive measures
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