IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In spite of the advances in medicine, many people around the world still die of easily preventable diseases. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

#spite #advances #medicine #people #world #diseases #case
Beyond doubt,
although
 there
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been a lot of
progresses
Correct subject-verb agreement
progress
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical
science
, many people suffer from some illnesses which are avoidable. I will delve into the main reasons, and I will explain how people can avoid these questions.
To begin
 with, the reason why people do not prevent
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some
diseases
 is related to environmental issues. Some energy resources like oil and gas are very harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 the environment. They release some chemical compounds which lead to
diseases
 in the air.
Latest
Correct word choice
Recent
show examples
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
 suggested that it has
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 correlation between harmful compounds
originated
Wrong verb form
originating
show examples
 from chemical energy and lung
diseases
. Apart from that, changing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the content of the food materials causes to generate some illnesses.
In other words
, some fruits and vegetables are grown with new methods that it
is prefer
Change the verb form
is preferred
show examples
 to quantitative measures compared to qualitative measures.
Hence
, beneficial vitamins and minerals are decreasing
although
 their number is increasing.
Furthermore
, pesticides are added
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 growing quickly.
Consequently
, these are not accepted by the human body and
resulted
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 in
diseases
. It is presented some solutions for
deal
Wrong verb form
dealing
show examples
 with these troubles. First of all, it should be reduced using chemical energy.
Besides
, green management politics are carried out by many countries. Electric trains, cars, and ships are encouraged.
Moreover
, countries ought to measure the amount of pesticide. Startups, which can provide agricultural new ideas which they are regarding to develop productive soil, are supported.
To sum up
,
while
 there are many advances in modern medical
science
, some
diseases
 continue
although
 they can be prevented.
That is
 why some food ingredients and increasing environmental problems inhibit to struggle of medical
science
. These
diseases
 should
hunter
Replace the word
hunt
show examples
 not only medical
science
 but
also
 some strategic politics.
Submitted by sabinanezar93 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the diversification of sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance clarity and effectiveness.
Task Achievement
Try to elaborate your ideas further and provide more specific examples to improve the comprehensiveness of your response.
Introduction & Conclusion
A clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frames the essay.
Logical Structure
The essay presents a logical structure that enhances the reader's comprehension.
Supported Main Points
Relevant examples are given to support the main points, showing an understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: