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Writing Samples /
Band 4

The older people who need employment have to compete with younger ones. What problems can this create? What are some solutions?

#people #employment #ones #create
The elderly
people
 that
requirement
Replace the word
require
show examples
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
 have to vie with younger ones but
this
 issue
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 a problem for aged
people
 that they
don’t
 how can solve
this
 subject because society
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to fresh workforce.There
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a lot of
cause
Change the form of the verb
causes
show examples
that
Correct word choice
why
show examples
 retired
people
 do not ability of services to society
however
 they have to work because they
cant
Correct your spelling
can't
show examples
 earn enough money so they
want
Correct your spelling
won't
show examples
keep
Fix the infinitive
to keep
show examples
social
Correct pronoun usage
their social
show examples
 position and they
don’t
 leave their work that
this
 subject
so
Add a missing verb
is so
show examples
 important because the
world
 is changing every day and create a new vision for the future . so we can say they
cant
Correct your spelling
can't
show examples
 promote with
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
world
 and if the
people
don’t
 leave their
job
 and
don’t
 give their position to younger men , our society will never progress. really so hard to find jobs for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.
anyway
Add a comma
anyway,
show examples
 if jobs are created for them, how can younger
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 find a good
job
 for themselves
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
On the other hand
 , there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a lot of young
workforce
Change to a plural noun
workforces
show examples
 with high capacity that
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have
a update information
Remove the article
update information
a piece of update information
show examples
 with innovative thoughts and they know about new technology. That they can promote the
world
. How cant the retired force be used
instead
 of the youngster talent?
really
Capitalize word
Really
show examples
we can not sub them . because
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to have a smart young generation
.unfortunately
Correct your spelling
Unfortunately
, there aren’t any
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 for young
people
 until some years later . because technology import to
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 phase
such
 as AI
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can
handles
Change the verb form
handle
show examples
every thing
Correct your spelling
everything
show examples
 in the
world
 and a lot of
job
Change to a plural noun
jobs
show examples
 is destroy . Indeed ,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 can support older with
give
Change the verb form
giving
show examples
 up
simple
Add an article
a simple
the simple
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 to old
people
such
 as
Replace the word
secretarial
show examples
secretary
Replace the word
secretarial
show examples
,
Correct your spelling
telemarketing
show examples
tele marketing
Correct your spelling
telemarketing
show examples
, professional consulting ..etc.
Fix the agreement mistake
Youngsters
show examples
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
Youngsters
show examples
 can find a
job
 that
Add a missing verb
is
show examples
related to their major and Proficiency and try to boost their vocation. We can infer
,
Correct word choice
that, state
show examples
Correct article usage
the state
show examples
state
Correct article usage
the state
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to support
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older person
Change preposition
in
show examples
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
different
Add an article
the different
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
such
 as
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
 enough money for retirement
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 and
Wrong verb form
creating
show examples
create
Wrong verb form
creating
show examples
 the best medical insurance or it can provide
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 best situation
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
Fix the infinitive
to find
show examples
find
Fix the infinitive
to find
show examples
 a
job
 with
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
their potential.
Submitted by mayaghini on

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Structure
Focus on structuring your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion to improve the logical flow of your ideas.
Paragraphing
Use paragraphs effectively to organize your thoughts and make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea.
Clarity of Position
Clarify your position in the introduction and summarize your main points in the conclusion for a stronger impact.
Supporting Examples
Enhance your essay by providing more specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your points more convincing.
Language Accuracy
Pay attention to spelling, grammar, and punctuation to improve the overall readability of your text.
Addressing Prompt
You have successfully addressed the essay prompt by discussing the issues and proposing solutions related to the employment of older people.
Critical Thinking
Your essay includes some innovative ideas, indicating an ability to think critically about the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Ageism
  • Generational divide
  • Technological advancements
  • Skills gap
  • Job scarcity
  • Industry preferences
  • Pension expenditure
  • Financial planning
  • Employability
  • Retraining programs
  • Upskilling opportunities
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