IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In today’s competitive
job
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 market,
employers
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 often ask
job
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 applicants for personal
information
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, including their hobbies, interests, and marital
status
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.
While
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 some argue that
this
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information
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 is relevant and useful, others contend that it is unnecessary and even discriminatory. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and offer my own opinion. On the one hand, those in
favor
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favour
show examples
 of
employers
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 asking for personal
information
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 argue that it can help
employers
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 get a better sense of an
applicant’s
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 personality, interests, and values.
For example
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, if an employer is looking for a team player, they might be interested in knowing if an applicant is involved in sports or other group activities.
Similarly
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, an
applicant’s
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 marital
status
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 could be relevant if the
job
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 involves significant travel or relocation, as a single person may be more willing and able to take on
such
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 demands than someone with a family.
On the other hand
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, those who oppose
employers
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 asking for personal
information
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 argue that it can lead to
discrimination
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 and bias.
For example
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, an employer might make assumptions about an
applicant’s
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 suitability for the
job
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 based on their gender, race, or sexual orientation.
Similarly
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, an employer might make judgments about an
applicant’s
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 availability or commitment based on their marital
status
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 or parental
status
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, which could lead to
discrimination
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 against individuals who have caregiving responsibilities. In my opinion,
while
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 some personal
information
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 may be relevant to a
job
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,
employers
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 should exercise caution in asking for it.
In particular
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,
employers
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 should avoid asking for
information
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 that could lead to
discrimination
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 or bias,
such
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 as an
applicant’s
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 age, gender, race, or sexual orientation.
Instead
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,
employers
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 should focus on asking for
information
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that is
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 directly related to the
job
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 requirements and that can help them make a fair and objective decision about the
applicant’s
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 suitability for the role. In conclusion,
while
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 there are arguments for and against
employers
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 asking for personal
information
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 from
job
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 applicants, it is important for
employers
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 to be mindful of the potential for
discrimination
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 and bias. By focusing on
job
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-relevant
information
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 and avoiding discriminatory practices,
employers
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 can create a fair and objective hiring process that benefits both applicants and the company.

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Examples
To further improve, consider including more diverse and specific examples to directly illustrate how personal information can impact the hiring process positively and negatively.
Cohesion
While your essay is well-structured, there's always room for enhancing the transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow. This can be achieved by using more varied transitional phrases and by linking ideas more explicitly.
Task Response
Ensure that the connection between the discussion points and the essay question is always explicit. This helps to maintain a strong focus on the essay prompt and reinforces the relevance of each argument.
Introduction
Your introduction effectively sets up the discussion, providing a clear overview of the essay's content.
Balance
You've demonstrated a strong ability to discuss both sides of the argument, showing a balanced and well-considered approach.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and clearly states your opinion, reinforcing the essay's overall argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
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