IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many museums charge for admissions while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admissions to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

#museums #charge #admissions #people
It is a well-established fact that some
museums
 charge for
admissions
Fix the agreement mistake
admission
show examples
while
 others are free for
people
.
However
, there are both pros and cons
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 practice. Let's begin by looking at the advantages of admissions in the
museums
. One of the main positives of entrance fees is the fact that
museums
 can buy more items for
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 will visit them. What I mean by
this
 is that better and
numerous
Correct quantifier usage
more numerous
show examples
 exhibits for the museum could be bought with that money. And
this
 will make the museum way more popular among the tourists and the local
people
.
Secondly
, another striking argument is that when
people
 pay for something they tend to appreciate that thing more. The empirical evidence supporting
this
 position is overwhelming. As an example, many
psychcological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 studies show that in the behaviour of both children and adults. Turning to the other side of the argument when there are fees
less
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
people
 can visit those
museums
.
This
 leads to the fact that
people
 with low income cannot visit them, even if they want to expand their knowledge on a certain topic or have a wider outlook. To put it in a nutshell, all the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
aforementioned reasons lead us to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 conclusion that both
museums
 and visitors can benefit from a small admission fee for the entrance to a museum. Personally, I believe that the advantages of admission fees outweigh its disadvantages.
Submitted by intiqam.hasanov on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction Expansion
Consider expanding your introduction by more clearly outlining your main arguments. This will ensure a strong foundation for your essay.
Linking Phrases
Try to incorporate a wider range of linking phrases and transitional words to improve flow and coherence between ideas.
Specific Examples
To further strengthen your argument, include more varied and specific examples. This can add depth to your points and make your argument more persuasive.
Conclusion Impact
Make your conclusion more impactful by succinctly summarizing your main points and clearly stating your position. This reaffirms the strength of your argument to the reader.
Balanced Discussion
Effectively balanced discussion on both advantages and disadvantages of admission fees in museums.
Example Use
Good use of examples to support your arguments, enhancing the clarity and persuasiveness of your essay.
Structure and Logic
Clear overall structure and logical flow of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: