IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Advertising aimed at children should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children
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Promotions that target youngsters and underage
people
 should be restricted from showing. I largely agree with
this
 statement
due to
 inappropriate ads and the child Is not financially capable of purchasing online. To commence with, Showing commercials to kids can be useful for brands. To explain , Various products that are specifically targeted at
children
 and those under 18 Years of age can buy their goods under their parent's guidance.
Therefore
, buying goods under observation Is essential and companies can promote their products to teenagers.
On the contrary
,
while
 targeting underage
people
, sometimes brands show inappropriate product ads.
In other words
, companies specifically target
people
 and show their commercials which are irrelevant to them and sometimes offend society.
For Instance
, a very popular social media platform called Meta was strict with their policy regarding advertising underage products in 2020 after receiving a court order from India.
As a result
, businesses can not outsmart Individuals
as well as
 social media platforms.
Furthermore
,
Children
 are not financially stable enough to make any purchases online. To explicate , adolescents are not earning any money, as they depend on their parent's income
due to
 that they are not financially stable enough to buy something online.
For example
, The government of China issued a notice indicating that parents must monitor their
children
's online activity because of online sketchy promotions.
Thus
, Brands can not trick most teenagers with their offers and commercials.
To conclude
,
although
 huge multinationals can earn more money by showing ads to under 18 years
people
 yet, I believe that display promotions for youngsters should be banned as many times It Is very disturbing
as well as
 for
children
 not being able to afford that product.
Submitted by birenp046 on

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structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear structure, including a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea.
development
Aim to develop your arguments with a balance of general statements and specific examples. You've included some effective examples, but further elaboration on how these examples support your main points could enhance clarity.
argument clarity
When presenting contrasting viewpoints, make sure to clearly delineate your argument from the counterargument. This distinction could be strengthened in your essay.
conclusion clarity
Consider refining your conclusion to more decisively state your position and summarize the main reasons supporting your viewpoint.
use of examples
You have effectively used specific examples to support your arguments, such as the case with Meta and the government of China's notice.
introduction
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion and clearly presents your stance on the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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