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Writing Samples
Band 6

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and solution of this disturbing trend.

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In the
last
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 decade, lots of unhealthy food have become familiar among Western people , particularly
children
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 . The
children
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's overweight percentage has reached approximately 20%. In
this
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 essay, I will examine some reasons for
this
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 issue and
secondly
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, I will explore approaches that
parents
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 and government should take.
Firstly
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, one of the reasons, and perhaps most essential, many
children
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 have a sedentary lifestyle.
In other words
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, young
children
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 today spend a large amount of time behind their iPads or phone screens and they don't have any physical activities,
such
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 as sports , or playing outside. If
children
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 engaged in different kinds of sports,
then
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 they could have a fit body. Nowadays, some awful diets are becoming trends
due to
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 advertisements and social media, which lead
children
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 to mimic these people,who eat terrible foods and show off on Facebook or TikTok.
For example
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, Dubai chocolate is the latest trend on social media and investing money in
this
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 product has considerably increased. As a proper solution, the government should play a fundamental role in solving
this
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 problem. When educated well,
children
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 are aware of the negative sides of these kinds of food and may start to eat healthy. If there were a special school syllabus about good diets ,
then
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children
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 would have lived healthier and
also
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 have a good weight. Another household
that is
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 responsible is
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parents
Correct article usage
the parents
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. When
parents
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 feed their babies healthy foods from the beginning,
children
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 continue to eat these healthy foods for the rest of their lives. Researches show that the first 6 years are really essential for
children
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 in
this
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 way , what they learn in terms of behaviours and diets that fathers and mothers should consider.
To conclude
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, digital technologies have affected
children
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 in many ways, one of them reducing
children
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's physical challenges
due to
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 using smartphones, but it is the government's and
parents
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' responsibility to keep
children
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.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the topic, but you could enhance it by providing a stronger thesis statement that directly addresses both causes and solutions in one sentence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and develop it fully. For example, your point about sedentary lifestyle could benefit from more examples or evidence.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be rephrased for clarity. For instance, instead of 'many children have a sedentary lifestyle,' you could say 'an increasing number of children lead sedentary lifestyles.'
coherence cohesion
The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key points discussed rather than introducing new ideas.
task achievement
You have touched on relevant points that are pertinent to the discussion on childhood obesity, showing a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a logical progression of ideas, moving from causes to solutions clearly, which helps guide the reader.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • caloric intake
  • nutritional value
  • advertising
  • healthy habits
  • socioeconomic status
  • prevalence
  • intervention
  • lifestyle changes
  • public health
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity
  • screen time
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