In some countries, older people are choosing to live in retirement communities with other old people rather than live with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

#countries #people #retirement #communities #adult #children #development

It has been observed that in some countries, the elderly prefer to live in

retirement

communities

rather than live with their kids. I believe that

this

trend contributes to positive development. On the one hand, living in

retirement

communities

enables the elderly to have their own social circle. The elderly resonate more with each other than their kids. They can discuss singers or fashion that belong to their generation.

By contrast

, If the elderly live with

children

, the distance between them may increase because

children

have their own social circles and lack the time to accompany them.

As a result

, the elderly prefer to live in

retirement

communities

with peers

accompany

Wrong verb form

accompanying

show examples

each other.

Moreover

, living in

retirement

communities

helps the elderly to receive convenient medical services at

anytime

Replace the word

any time

show examples

This

is because there usually are professional medical services provided in

thus

Correct your spelling

these

show examples

communities

. If they live with their kids,

children

may need to take off to take the elderly to

hospital

Correct article usage

the hospital

show examples

, which

also

requires advance booking.

This

is really inconvenient

Change preposition

for

show examples

their

children

and the elderly.

On the other hand

, living in

retirement

communities

cause

Correct subject-verb agreement

causes

show examples

the elderly out of touch with society.

For example

, they can pay cash if they don’t know how to use electronic payment.

However

this

makes it difficult and inconvenient for the elderly

Change preposition

apply

show examples

outside these

communities

, In

this

generation, some stores or public transportation only receive electronic payment. They would gradually become unable to leave the

retirement

communities

. But if they live with their

children

, who can teach them how to use new technology

such

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

computers and cell phones

Change the punctuation

show examples

This

not only helps them keep independence but

also

remains

Correct your spelling

retains

show examples

the ability to adapt

society

Change preposition

to society

show examples

. In conclusion,

while

I recognize the possible drawbacks of living in

retirement

communities

, I consider it to be a positive development

overall

Submitted by tiger801211574 on Sun Apr 14 2024

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement

Ensure a balanced discussion by exploring both sides of the argument comprehensively. You've made a good start, but further elaboration could strengthen your position.

Task Achievement

Work on developing your points more fully. Including more detailed examples and explaining your points in greater depth will add strength to your argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

Try to vary your sentence structures to enhance the readability and sophistication of your writing. This will also help in making your arguments more compelling.

Coherence and Cohesion

Keep paragraphs clearly focused. Each paragraph should ideally discuss one main idea in depth, rather than introducing multiple ideas without sufficient explanation.

Introduction and Conclusion

Your introduction and conclusion clearly define your viewpoint, providing a good framework for your essay.

Use of Examples

Good use of examples to support your arguments, making your essay more persuasive.

Logical Structure

Effective use of paragraphs to organize your ideas, aiding the essay's overall readability and logical flow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Do you want to check your IELTS essays?

Submit unlimited essays, letters and charts. Sign up right now and start improving your writing skills.

12Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

300 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

🚀 Prepare for IELTS writing section today!

Unlimited Task 1 checks
Get all the feedback you need to keep improving your charts and letters.
Unlimited Task 2 checks
Practice and perfect your skills with essays.
Personalized suggestions
Know how to boost your score.
Detailed mistakes analysis
Get instant feedback. Spot every mistake.
Topic ideas generator
Get topic-specific ideas to enhance your writing.
Vocabulary helper
Get the right words for any topic.
Progress tracking
Track your writing improvements.

What to do next:

Look at other essays:

5.5
band
Some developed countries now have unemployment problems. Why do people still want to immigrate to these countries? Give reasons and specific examples to explain your answer.
The unemployment problem has been a long-discussed course in almost every country in the world. It has now become a huge matter in developed countries as the number of unemployed citizens is rising. However, numerous people from developing countries still consider immigrating to the developed ones. Thus, in this essay, I will explain the reasons for this movement.
5.5
band
Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
It is debatable whether loss of specific flora and fauna is the most concerning environmental issue of the current time. Although some individuals assert that this is the primary issue, others believe that environmental issues like air and water pollution have similar significance. This essay will delve deeper into these viewpoints and culminate my opinion in the conclusion.
7
band
You and some friends ate a meal at a restaurant to celebrate a special occasion and you were very pleased with the food and service. Write a letter to the restaurant manager. In your letter: * give details of your visit to the restaurant * explain the reason for the celebration * say what was good about the food and service
I am writing this letter to express my feelings about your restaurant . I am very happy with my recent visit to your restaurant.
4.5
band
Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can case serious social problems, as well as practical problems. to what extent do you agree or disagree with thia statement?
It is argued whether inidividals who live abroad and speak new language face many problems in their daily and social life. To my personal opinion, in this case, knowing foreign language will prompt to overcome emerged isues instead of cousing them. Here below, I will expound my point of view more detailed.
7
band
Cyber insecurity is a rising problem in many countries. What problems does a lack of cyber security cause to Internet users? What solutions can you suggest to solve it?
Advancement of technology has led to the problem of cyber insecurity in number of countries. This problem ultimately lead to frauds like money laundering or misuse of the personal information availabile on internet. But, I believe this problem can be resolved by taking corrective measures like spreading awareness among people, not to share any personal detal on internet i.e. credit card details, and encouraging them to install anti virus.

In some countries, older people are choosing to live in retirement communities with other old people rather than live with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some developed countries now have unemployment problems. Why do people still want to immigrate to these countries? Give reasons and specific examples to explain your answer.

Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can case serious social problems, as well as practical problems. to what extent do you agree or disagree with thia statement?

Cyber insecurity is a rising problem in many countries. What problems does a lack of cyber security cause to Internet users? What solutions can you suggest to solve it?