In some countries, older people are choosing to live in retirement communities with other old people rather than live with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

#countries #people #retirement #communities #adult #children #development

It has been observed that in some countries, the elderly prefer to live in

retirement

communities

rather than live with their kids. I believe that

this

trend contributes to positive development. On the one hand, living in

retirement

communities

enables the elderly to have their own social circle. The elderly resonate more with each other than their kids. They can discuss singers or fashion that belong to their generation.

By contrast

, If the elderly live with

children

, the distance between them may increase because

children

have their own social circles and lack the time to accompany them.

As a result

, the elderly prefer to live in

retirement

communities

with peers

accompany

Wrong verb form

accompanying

show examples

each other.

Moreover

, living in

retirement

communities

helps the elderly to receive convenient medical services at

anytime

Replace the word

any time

show examples

This

is because there usually are professional medical services provided in

thus

Correct your spelling

these

show examples

communities

. If they live with their kids,

children

may need to take off to take the elderly to

hospital

Correct article usage

the hospital

show examples

, which

also

requires advance booking.

This

is really inconvenient

Change preposition

for

show examples

their

children

and the elderly.

On the other hand

, living in

retirement

communities

cause

Correct subject-verb agreement

causes

show examples

the elderly out of touch with society.

For example

, they can pay cash if they don’t know how to use electronic payment.

However

this

makes it difficult and inconvenient for the elderly

Change preposition

apply

show examples

outside these

communities

, In

this

generation, some stores or public transportation only receive electronic payment. They would gradually become unable to leave the

retirement

communities

. But if they live with their

children

, who can teach them how to use new technology

such

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

computers and cell phones

Change the punctuation

show examples

This

not only helps them keep independence but

also

remains

Correct your spelling

retains

show examples

the ability to adapt

society

Change preposition

to society

show examples

. In conclusion,

while

I recognize the possible drawbacks of living in

retirement

communities

, I consider it to be a positive development

overall

Submitted by tiger801211574 on Sun Apr 14 2024

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Task Achievement

Ensure a balanced discussion by exploring both sides of the argument comprehensively. You've made a good start, but further elaboration could strengthen your position.

Task Achievement

Work on developing your points more fully. Including more detailed examples and explaining your points in greater depth will add strength to your argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

Try to vary your sentence structures to enhance the readability and sophistication of your writing. This will also help in making your arguments more compelling.

Coherence and Cohesion

Keep paragraphs clearly focused. Each paragraph should ideally discuss one main idea in depth, rather than introducing multiple ideas without sufficient explanation.

Introduction and Conclusion

Your introduction and conclusion clearly define your viewpoint, providing a good framework for your essay.

Use of Examples

Good use of examples to support your arguments, making your essay more persuasive.

Logical Structure

Effective use of paragraphs to organize your ideas, aiding the essay's overall readability and logical flow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

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Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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12Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

300 words

5.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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In some countries, older people are choosing to live in retirement communities with other old people rather than live with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

You have recently started attending hobby classes in your city. Your mother in your hometown wants to know about it. Write a letter to your mother. In the letter, mention: •What class are you taking? •How do you like it? •How long will you take the classes?

Some people think that intelligent student should teach separately whereas others think that everyone should teach together. Discuss both views and give your opinion

All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled

Fossil fuels (coal, oil, natural gas) are the main sources in many countries, but in some countries, the use of alternative sources of energy (wind energy and solar energy) are encouraged. To what extent do you think it is a positive or negative development?