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Band 4.5

Some people think that the most important function of music is to help people relax. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #function #music
The majority of people argue that
music
 is relevant when it comes to relaxation.
Athough
Correct your spelling
Although
 there are many genres of
music
 around the world, I firmly believe that
music
 can help calm people's
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 and
spirit
Fix the agreement mistake
spirits
show examples
.
This
 essay will discuss why I agree with the given statement above.
Firstly
,
music
 can be created with the different sounds around us and our daily activities can be linked to them. Any type of sound can be a form of
music
such
 as the rain, the wind and even the sound an oven toaster makes when it finishes toasting bread. An example of
this
 would be having a day out in a massage spa.
Music
 can help set the mood and induce a feeling of relaxation
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a person receiving the massage service. Combined with aromatherapy,
music
 can make a huge difference in one's mood.
Moreover
, the presence of
music
 can contribute to the level of productivity when a person is working or studying. Genres of
music
such
 as classical
music
 can stimulate the brain waves
while
 studying
thus
 there is better retention in one's mind. Another example that can be observed is in an operating theatre. Some doctors prefer to have
music
 on
while
 they are operating, the reason would be
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
that it helps them focus and it
also
 makes the job more enjoyable.
Correct your spelling
I'm
Im
Correct your spelling
In conclusion
concluson
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
music
 has many contributions to our day-to-day activities and it is most enjoyable during a period of relaxation
Submitted by joycegacho on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures to enhance clarity and readability. Using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences can make your essay more engaging.
Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate transitional phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas. This will help your essay to have a more logical progression.
Task Achievement
Provide a broader range of examples to support your points. While you've given specific instances, adding more varied examples could strengthen your argument.
General
Check for minor spelling and grammar errors to polish your essay further. While these are small, they can impact the overall professionalism of your writing.
Introduction
Your introduction clearly stated your position on the topic, setting a solid foundation for your argument.
Task Achievement
You effectively used examples to support your main points, which is key in demonstrating your understanding of the subject matter.
Conclusion
Your conclusion succinctly summarized the essay, reinforcing your position and wrapping up the discussion effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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