IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say advertising has positive economic effects. Others think it has negative social effects because it will make people dissatisfed with who they are and what they have. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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The question of whether advertising is non-beneficial to societies and economies is very topical today, as it could considered to be persuasive. There are valid arguments on both sides, which I will discuss now. On the one hand, it is true that
consumers
 may lose money from misleading
of
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advertisements, as they contain false information which firms intentionally do so.
For example
, the wide promotion of healthcare
products
 attracts
consumers
 who have information barriers to consuming a large number of
products
.
Furthermore
, the collaboration of the whole
society
 may be significantly reduced, discouraging the development of
society
 and economies, because
consumers
 might not trust
producers
 anymore and reduce the amount of transactions in the market.
Finally
, there are possibilities that advertising does not fully work, meaning no money is generated for
producers
, which is a waste of resources for all concerned.
On the other hand
, the supporters who believe advertising would help
society
 and the economy become a better state where
consumers
 could gain better
products
. Higher profits allow
producers
 to reinvest in developing more advanced
products
 by increasing their technologies or infrastructures. Another counter-argument is that, with some merit, unemployment may be reduced by revenue of firms increased. The need to increase the supply of
products
 relies on enough labour force employed, meaning firms may hire more workers to complete orders in time.
Then
 a
last
 point, the government could supervise the
producers
, making sure they guarantee the quality of the
products
, which would improve the role of government in a radical way for the whole
society
.
Overall
, it appears to me that a stronger argument is in favour of advertising benefits
society
 and economics, with advantages of increasing employment, and better
products
, emphasizing the role of governments.
Submitted by yu18526106986 on

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structure
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion summarizing your opinion. You did a great job of organizing your essay logically to make your arguments easy to follow.
cohesion
To enhance coherence, consider varying your linking phrases more and make sure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. This will strengthen the cohesion of your overall argument.
examples
Include more detailed examples to support your arguments. Real-world examples or statistics could make your points stronger and more convincing.
evidence
Be mindful of making overly broad statements without specific evidence. It's important to back up claims with clear examples or data where possible.
balanced discussion
You effectively discussed both sides of the argument before concluding with your own opinion, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
effective conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint, reinforcing the points made in your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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