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Writing Samples
Band 7

Over the past decade, there has been an alarming rise of nearly 20% in the proportion of obese children in Western societies. Analyze the factors that contribute to this concerning pattern

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In the past decade, youngsters have faced excess fat in one-fifth of Western countries. There are numerous reasons for
this
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,
such
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 as consumption patterns and sedentary lifestyles, and I will
also
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 highlight some possible consequences, including health risks.
To begin
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 with, one of the initial issues is that teenagers are becoming more and more accustomed to eating fast food since their parents give them money to do so. They choose the simplest and easiest food
as a result
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.
For instance
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, junk funk restaurants serving pizza, burgers, and other items are widely accessible and available in
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 nations.
Therefore
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, they have a higher amount of fat because these snacks are high in fat and low in nutrition.
Moreover
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,
children
Use synonyms
’s lifestyles are becoming less prevalent.
For instance
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, watching television and playing video games for an extended period of time has made them “couch potatoes."
Thus
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, it has been seen that fast food consumption and sedentary
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 are two minor causes of childhood obesity. On top of that, being overweight can have certain detrimental consequences for
children
Use synonyms
.
First,
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children
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 might get chronic diseases
such
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 as “diabetes," which is not usual at
such
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 a young age.
Furthermore
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, its treatment consists of a specific injection given every day.
Second,
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according to
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 medical knowledge, overweight
children
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 have low immunity.
For example
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, they may be the first to develop a cold or fever when the weather changes. It goes without saying that increasing weight can cause a variety of illnesses.
To conclude
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,
this
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 essay has demonstrated that
children
Use synonyms
's obesity is primarily caused by their calorie-dense diet and inactive lifestyle. Meanwhile, it causes a number of health issues in the early stages of their lives.

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Introduction
Ensure a clear thesis statement is present in the introduction to guide the reader.
Body Paragraphs
Try to provide more diverse and precise examples to support your points.
Coherence
In the development of paragraphs, make sure each idea directly supports the topic and is followed by a specific example or explanation.
Conclusion
When concluding, clearly restate your position or summary of the main points, indicating a clear end to your argument.
Language
Use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance clarity and demonstrate language proficiency.
Content
You effectively linked obesity in children to specific causes such as diet and lack of exercise.
Structure
The essay structure is clear, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Relevance
You have followed the essay prompt well by discussing relevant factors and consequences of obesity.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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