IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Many people think that money is the best gift to give a teenager, but others disagree. Discuss both the views and give your opinion including relevant examples.

#people #money #gift #teenager
There has been a long debate about whether encouraging adolescents by sending
money
 is the most suitable method. From my perspective, the benefits brought by giving cash to youth are of greater significance than other forms of
treats
Replace the word
treatment
show examples
 for several reasons.
Firstly
, it is undeniable that sending different gifts
according to
 kids' preferences has the most satisfying effect psychologically. To be more specific, if the gift fits the personal interest, children will receive positive feedback on moods, and having a sense of being cared for and worried, which will benefit their mental health development.
However
, it is hard to make satisfactory choices for parents and other family members
due to
 the complexity of juveniles' minds and favourites. For
the
Correct your spelling
this
show examples
 reason
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
kids may change their attitude towards the same object as time passes. Apart from that every physical object has its own life spin, which means the gifts may be apt to be destroyed over time. Strongly I believe, on the flip side, the benefits of giving teenagers
money
enjoy
Verb problem
are
show examples
 more
significance
Replace the word
significant
show examples
 for the following reasons. For one thing, by keeping their own cash, children are able to build financial ideas and are equipped with the skills of allocating
money
 resources and making decisions.
Therefore
, producing a prolonged positive effect on development, which will help them in the future. For another, a sense of power and self-esteem may be evoked as parents support them to use
this
money
.
For instance
, as they are required to think independently, and make judgements, their ability to come up with wise comparisons is improved. In conclusion, considering the benefit of promoting self-thinking and an economic mind of giving cash. I would once reaffirm my position that its merit outweighs its demerit.
Submitted by liu486929 on

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task response
Ensure a clear and concise thesis statement in the introduction to set the stage for the essay.
task response
While relevant examples are present, adding more varied and specific examples can strengthen your argument.
coherence
Avoid repetition of the same points or phrases to maintain engagement and add variety to your writing.
cohesion
Add clear transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas and improve cohesion.
task response
The essay provides a balanced view of both sides of the argument, showing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-supported with explanations, showing a good logical structure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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