IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In their advertising, business nowadays usuallys emphatise that thier products are new in some way. Why is this? Do you think it is positive or negative development?

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These days, the main trend among companies is that they advertise their goods and say that it is the newest device.
This
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 essay discusses the main causes of fashion;
moreover
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, in my opinion,
this
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 fashion is a negative development owing to the fact that it injures the environment and increases the gap
that is
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 between socio-economic classes. The publicity of the newest productions is a result of marketing strategy and improving the quality of lifestyles. The fact
that is
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 really important is that companies like to raise their profit.
As a result
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, they change some aspects of their goods and advertise them by using technological advancement to encourage the community to use them.
In addition
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, when businesses enhance their technology and share it commercially,
then
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 other corporations improve their goods technology. In fact, it upgrades the level of human lifestyle quality.
This
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 development is not eco-friendly and shows the gaps that are between all walks of people's lives. On the one hand, when the publicities demonstrate the newest gadgets, the community is persuaded to buy them and throw away their old items.
In other words
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, it encourages the population to become a throwaway society by producing a lot of trash that puts them in the forest ,so as to annihilate the environment.
On the other hand
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, if wealthy people follow the trend items,
then
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 the population who are under the poverty line are demonstrated.
Therefore
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, in the short run, all people know each other by the devices that they use.
To sum up
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,
this
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 change is a consequence of increasing money and developing the level of human lives.
However
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, it has an unfavourable influence inasmuch as it is bringing the environment to the brink of extinction and separating the rich and the poor.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider revising the introduction to clarify the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
task achievement
Ensure that your paragraphs sufficiently develop and support their main ideas with relevant examples.
coherence and cohesion
Use more cohesive devices to improve the logical flow of your ideas.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic effectively and presents a clear opinion on the issue.
lexical resource
The use of some relevant vocabulary related to technology and environment is commendable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • trends
  • functionality
  • efficiency
  • saturated market
  • consumer culture
  • environmental harm
  • technological advancements
  • brand recognition
  • loyal
  • socio-economic classes
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