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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today, the life expectancy of people is much higher than before. Some people think that older should continue to be involved in the workplace. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#life #expectancy #people #workplace
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Nowadays,
people
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 are getting older, and some
people
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 opine that older should still work.
However
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, in my opinion,
that is
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 not a good idea, and I will explain why in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with,
people
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 who are over 65 years old and below 75 probably can still work for companies.
However
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, the
people
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 who are older than them do not have enough energy to do
things
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. Most of them are going to die. Some of them are disabled. What
things
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 can they do?
For example
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, supervisors want employees who are strong, smart, young, and so on. Those are the traits you cannot see in senior citizens.
Thus
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, they have to retire from their business and seek medical attention. Hiring them is risky, and if one of them dies
while
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 working, the company has to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their duties and responsibilities. That will be a big loss.
However
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, some
people
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 state that retired
people
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 may be good for their businesses because they have a lot of experience.
As a result
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, they are good at problem-solving, relationships, ideas giving, and so forth.
For instance
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, some old men are good at law cases, because they have been through similar cases before. Compared to youngsters, they know more
things
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. In a nutshell,
due to
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 health issues, they have to give up their careers.
Otherwise
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, some
things
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 happen terribly, the companies will be facing problems. In my view, certain ages still can go job seeking, but before finding a job, they should evaluate their body and mind.
That is
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 vital.
Submitted by edward300225 on

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task achievement
Consider providing a balanced view even if you strongly agree or disagree. This can enhance your argument's depth.
coherence & cohesion
Introduce a wider range of connectors to improve the flow between ideas.
task achievement
Enhance your argument with more specific examples and evidence. This strengthens your main points.
coherence & cohesion
Try to provide a clear thesis statement in your introduction to outline your argument more distinctly.
coherence & cohesion
Work on providing a more nuanced conclusion that summarizes your arguments and reflects the complexity of the topic.
task achievement
Avoid generalizations and address potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
task achievement
You engaged with the topic and presented a clear opinion.
coherence & cohesion
Your essay structure (introduction, body paragraphs, conclusion) is appropriately followed.
task achievement
Usage of relevant examples, although more specificity could enhance their effectiveness.
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