IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The leaders of most organizations tend to be older people. However, some argue that younger people make better bosses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today's world, the debate over
government
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access
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 to individuals' mobile phone call records and messages has become increasingly prominent. Some argue that
such
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access
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 is necessary to ensure public safety,
while
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 others believe that it infringes on personal
privacy
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 and should only occur with consent.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives before presenting my own view. On one hand, supporters of
government
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access
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 to personal
communication
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 argue that it is essential for national
security
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. In a world where terrorism, cybercrime, and organized crime are growing threats, having
access
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 to
communication
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 records can help authorities prevent potential attacks and swiftly respond to criminal activities.
For instance
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, if
security
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 agencies can monitor suspicious conversations, they may be able to stop a terrorist plot before it unfolds.
Furthermore
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, proponents believe that if individuals have nothing to hide, they should not object to
such
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 measures. In
this
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 view, safety and the greater good outweigh the importance of absolute personal
privacy
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.
On the other hand
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, opponents argue that unrestricted
government
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access
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 to private
communication
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 is a serious violation of individual rights. They contend that personal messages and call logs contain sensitive information unrelated to criminal activities, and granting authorities free
access
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 could lead to abuse of power, surveillance overreach, or targeting of innocent citizens. Historical examples,
such
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 as
government
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 spying scandals, demonstrate how easily trust can be broken when
privacy
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 is not respected. Many believe that surveillance should only occur under strict legal procedures,
such
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 as obtaining a warrant from an independent court, to protect fundamental freedoms. In my opinion,
while
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 national
security
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 is undoubtedly important, the right to
privacy
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 should not be sacrificed lightly. I believe governments should have
access
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 to private
communication
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 only under specific, legally justified circumstances, and with strong oversight mechanisms in place. Blind trust in authority without accountability can be dangerous for democratic societies. In conclusion,
although
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government
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access
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 to phone records and messages may enhance
security
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, it must be balanced carefully against the need to protect individual
privacy
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. A system based on transparency, legality, and oversight offers the best path forward

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a well-structured argument with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To further enhance coherence, consider using more varied linking words and phrases for even smoother transitions between ideas.
task response
You provide a balanced perspective on the topic and present your viewpoint effectively. To strengthen your argument, you could elaborate more on the implications of surveillance on societal trust and individual rights.
task achievement
Your essay clearly outlines both sides of the argument and articulates your personal opinion logically and convincingly.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples effectively supports your points and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • strategic decision-making
  • crisis management
  • innovative ideas
  • adaptable
  • tech-savvy
  • digital transformation
  • complex situations
  • high-pressure decisions
  • empathy
  • patience
  • strategic foresight
  • authoritative
  • collaborative work culture
  • dynamic
  • inclusive organizational culture
  • ageism
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