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Writing Samples
Band 5

One of the consequence of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? #consequence #care #people #life #expectancy

#consequence #care #people #life #expectancy #development
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It is utterly undeniable that improved medical care has
help
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helped
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human
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humans
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 live longer and life expectancy is extending.
This
 phenomenon has both strengths and
weakness
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weaknesses
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, from my perspective, the latter
are
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is
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 more dominant.
To begin
 with, the increase in
people
's life expectancy has several disadvantages .
Firstly
, the planet will be overburdened with humans . In
particularly
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particular
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, the elderly
population
 will dominate society over time as the old now live longer and the young will grow old.
As a result
,
this
 large of
number
people
in
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on
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 the earth will lead to
shortage
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a shortage
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 of accommodations and lands which is impossible to expand.
Secondly
, the increase in the elderly
population
 will cause
the
Correct article usage
a
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 lack of balance in age groups. There will be a small
of
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apply
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number
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a number
the number
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 of
yound
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young
 individuals who can be
responible
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responsible
 for developing the world.
Lastly
,
population
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the population
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 would be exacerbated in the future
due to
 the alarming rise in the
number
 of
the
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apply
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middle-age
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middle-aged
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 and elderly.
On the other hand
, the innovation of medical care that
make
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makes
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people
livenlonger
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live longer
 and expand life
expenctancy
Correct your spelling
expectancy
also
 has a
number
 of advantages.
Firstly
, because
cruel
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the cruel
show examples
 situation
on
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apply
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these day
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this day
these days
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,
people
healthe
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heal the
health
healthy
 suffer
a
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from a
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lot of diseases
frorm
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from
 both external and internal factors.
For example
, the pollution from environment has
negative
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a negative
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 influence on physical health
while
 the pressure in
workplace
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the workplace
show examples
 adversely impacts
on
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apply
show examples
menatl
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mental
 health. All of them
finally is
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not good for
human
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humans
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
help from improved medical
acre
Correct your spelling
care
show examples
 can handle it to some extent. With all of the aforementioned theses and explanations, the conclusion is self-evident. I believe that the explosion of the
aging
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ageing
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population
 has both downsides and upsides;
however
, the limitations
is
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are
show examples
 far more dominant.
Submitted by lethithut123 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Try to use a variety of sentence structures to make your essay more engaging and to demonstrate your language skills.
Task Achievement
Focus on developing your ideas more fully with detailed examples to strengthen your arguments.
General
Be attentive to small grammatical errors and spelling mistakes that can detract from the clarity of your message.
Task Achievement
Consider balancing the discussion between advantages and disadvantages to provide a more nuanced argument.
Task Achievement
Your essay clearly addresses the prompt and acknowledges both sides of the argument, which is excellent for task response.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Language Use
You've utilized a good range of vocabulary to express your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • medical care
  • quality of life
  • manageable
  • curable
  • economic strain
  • aging population
  • social security
  • workforce challenges
  • sustainability
  • overpopulation
  • environmental issues
  • standards of living
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