IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

One of the consequence of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? #consequence #care #people #life #expectancy

#consequence #care #people #life #expectancy #development
It is utterly undeniable that improved medical care has
help
Change the verb form
helped
show examples
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 live longer and life expectancy is extending.
This
 phenomenon has both strengths and
weakness
Fix the agreement mistake
weaknesses
show examples
, from my perspective, the latter
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more dominant.
To begin
 with, the increase in
people
's life expectancy has several disadvantages .
Firstly
, the planet will be overburdened with humans . In
particularly
Change the word
particular
show examples
, the elderly
population
 will dominate society over time as the old now live longer and the young will grow old.
As a result
,
this
 large of
number
people
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the earth will lead to
shortage
Add an article
a shortage
show examples
 of accommodations and lands which is impossible to expand.
Secondly
, the increase in the elderly
population
 will cause
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 lack of balance in age groups. There will be a small
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
yound
Correct your spelling
young
 individuals who can be
responible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for developing the world.
Lastly
,
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 would be exacerbated in the future
due to
 the alarming rise in the
number
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
middle-age
Correct your spelling
middle-aged
show examples
 and elderly.
On the other hand
, the innovation of medical care that
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
people
livenlonger
Correct your spelling
live longer
 and expand life
expenctancy
Correct your spelling
expectancy
also
 has a
number
 of advantages.
Firstly
, because
cruel
Add an article
the cruel
show examples
 situation
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these day
Change the determiner
this day
these days
show examples
,
people
healthe
Correct your spelling
heal the
health
healthy
 suffer
a
Change preposition
from a
show examples
lot of diseases
frorm
Correct your spelling
from
 both external and internal factors.
For example
, the pollution from environment has
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 influence on physical health
while
 the pressure in
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 adversely impacts
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
menatl
Correct your spelling
mental
 health. All of them
finally is
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not good for
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
help from improved medical
acre
Correct your spelling
care
show examples
 can handle it to some extent. With all of the aforementioned theses and explanations, the conclusion is self-evident. I believe that the explosion of the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
 has both downsides and upsides;
however
, the limitations
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 far more dominant.
Submitted by lethithut123 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Try to use a variety of sentence structures to make your essay more engaging and to demonstrate your language skills.
Task Achievement
Focus on developing your ideas more fully with detailed examples to strengthen your arguments.
General
Be attentive to small grammatical errors and spelling mistakes that can detract from the clarity of your message.
Task Achievement
Consider balancing the discussion between advantages and disadvantages to provide a more nuanced argument.
Task Achievement
Your essay clearly addresses the prompt and acknowledges both sides of the argument, which is excellent for task response.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Language Use
You've utilized a good range of vocabulary to express your ideas.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • medical care
  • quality of life
  • manageable
  • curable
  • economic strain
  • aging population
  • social security
  • workforce challenges
  • sustainability
  • overpopulation
  • environmental issues
  • standards of living
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!