IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

As compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computers and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution.

#children #leisure #time #indoors #computers #tv #lack
There is a trend these days for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters to waste a
lot
 of their free
time
 playing video games and avoiding outdoor sports.
This
 essay will discuss some of
serious
Add an article
the serious
show examples
 health issues that can arise because of restricting
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
indoor activities and will
also
 highlight the remedy for
this
 behaviour. With the advancement in technology,children have become more prone to some hazards of watching mobiles at their homes for longer duration.Spending a
lot
 of
time
 on screen can cause problems with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
vision.
Continous
Add an article
The continous
show examples
 strain on the eyes damages the retina and the ocular muscles.One of my
nephew
Change to a plural noun
nephews
show examples
 started using spectacles at a tender age of just 5 years
due to
 prolonged focus on
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
.
Moreover
, wasting more
time
 on TV and refraining from outdoor activities can lead to behavioural disorders.There was a study I read
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
Correct article usage
the newspapaer
show examples
newspapaer
Correct your spelling
newspaper
 that mentioned violent behaviour among kids who devoted more
time
 to watching TV.
Furthermore
, the younger
lot
 can develop growth issues if they avoid going in the sun.There is a
lot
 of research on Vitamin D deficiency in kids playing indoor games only which can ultimately lead to poor development of bones causing osteomalacia and rickets. To prevent
this
 negative behaviour in
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
, the parents should play their role.They should restrict
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 screen
time
 to as low as possible.They can encourage
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
outdoor games by setting a personal example.
For instance
, when
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 see my son getting involved in
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 movies, I make a plan
of going
Change preposition
to go
show examples
 to
park
Correct article usage
the park
show examples
 with a jogging track and a
lot
 of other fun activities in which my son is interested more.
This
 helps us in keeping a balance in leisure
time-spending
Correct your spelling
time spending
show examples
.
To conclude
, the easy availability of electronic gadgetry is causing numerous medical disturbances in children which can be overcome by disciplining
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the kids by parents.
Submitted by alishah2294 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Language Use
Consider using a wider range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures to enhance clarity and expressiveness.
Structure
Ensure a clear distinction between paragraphs to improve readability and flow of ideas; a more explicit paragraph structuring could be beneficial.
Coherence
Incorporate a more diverse range of linking phrases to seamlessly connect ideas and paragraphs, fostering a more cohesive argument.
Content
Effective use of specific examples to support your arguments, enhancing the essay's persuasiveness.
Task Response
Successfully covered all aspects of the prompt, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Structure
The introduction and conclusion are well-constructed, providing a clear framework for your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: