IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is important for all towns and cities to have large public outdoor places like squares and parks. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#towns #cities #places #squares #parks
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There is no denying the fact that nowadays, public spaces play a crucial role in our lives.
While
 it commonly held belief that all cities and towns should have enormous outdoor places like parks and squares, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I partially agree with
this
 assertion and
this
 essay will provide
further
 explanations and examples to support my viewpoint. On the one hand, people gain many benefits
as a result
 of the presence of gigantic greenery spaces, particularly in our era.
In other words
, these outdoor
areas
 help humans to relieve stress
due to
 work pressure and life tension.
In addition
, parks and squares prompt different sorts of recreational activities, which improve quality of life.
For example
, people can go cycling, walking, or playing sports in huge open space
areas
.
On the other hand
, another point to consider is that setting up playgrounds and plazas in urban
areas
 has negative effects on government annual budgets.
This
 means that expenditures may focus less on other basic cities's facilities
such
 as communal transport, the educational sector, electricity, and sanitation. A good case in
this
 point is that some cities have plenty of outdoor places with a lack of research and data analytics, so it leads to
a
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desertion of
areas
instead
 of spending these budgets on other facilities. All things considered, I am of the opinion that all towns should provide massive outdoor parks for their people.
Therefore
, each management member should be careful in their financial planning and the city's strategies.
Submitted by nyentdn on

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task achievement
Try to provide a more balanced development of ideas in both body paragraphs. As it stands, the discussion of benefits is stronger than the discussion of drawbacks.
task achievement
Ensure that all points discussed directly relate back to the main statement to maintain relevance throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on crafting smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Avoid overusing certain phrases such as 'in addition' and 'on the other hand' to prevent redundancy and promote variety in language use.
coherence cohesion
You have provided an introduction and conclusion which provide a clear structure to your essay.
task achievement
Your essay contains specific and relevant examples, such as discussing recreational activities and budget constraints.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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