IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

In some countries, young people have become richer, healthier, and live longer, but they are less happy. What are the causes? What can be done to address this situation?

#countries #people #address #situation
In many nations, despite becoming wealthier, healthier and living for a long time, youngsters do not feel happy. It seems
this
 issue stems from two main reasons and some actions should be taken to address it fully. it is generally acknowledged that young generations make a busy lifestyle for themselves and do not allocate enough time to even think about things that make them feel better.
This
 gradually kills their emotions and transforms them into a machine.
For instance
, we witness some well-off people who live like robots and do not consider anything but earning money.
Additionally
,
this
 wealth brings some major problems to their personal lives
along with
 comfort. They assume everyone is a rival and try to win an imaginary competition. It can
therefore
 be concluded that money increases the quality of their life but omits their happiness. It is widely accepted that they need someone to contribute to them with their daily tasks. These individuals are not able to confront all of the problems stemming from their wealth.
Moreover
, they must have a plan for their life including spending time with their loved ones, their hobbies, attending parties and so on. In
this
 way, they do not allow stress enters to their life and influence them. As an illustration, successful company owners have a knowledgeable consultant to think about difficulties and suggest proper solutions.
Consequently
, nowadays it can be seen some people earn a considerable amount of money and live healthier and longer, but with no signs of fullness. Two main causes and their relevant solutions are discussed in
this
 essay which can help people get rid of negative emotions led by the mentioned issue.
Submitted by keyhan454 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support Specificity
Consider enhancing your essay by adding more specific, real-world examples to better illustrate your points. While hypothetical examples are used, tangible instances can make your argument more convincing.
Grammar and Punctuation
To avoid minor grammatical errors and enhance clarity, consider revising your sentences for better structure and accuracy. For example, watch out for run-on sentences and ensure correct punctuation.
Paragraph Structure
Organize your paragraphs with clear topic sentences, and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to improve clarity and reader understanding.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses both causes and potential solutions to the issue, showing a good understanding of the task.
Coherency
The overall structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, aiding in coherent progression of ideas.
Vocabulary Range
You have demonstrated a good range of vocabulary suited to the topic, which enriches your essay considerably.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: