IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In many countries governments are living in new technology to deal with the public. Why is this happening? Do you think this is an appropriate use of government money.

#countries #governments #technology #government #money
Recently, authorities worldwide have been refining new
technology
 to better serve the people. Personally, I think that
this
 is a good
use
 of public funds and that the cause for
this
 move is the rising number of offenders. First of all, it is important to realize that there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 an increasing number of criminals in public spaces.
As a result
, financial crises are getting worse all across the world. Because of
this
, a lot of people will encounter challenging circumstances, lose their jobs, and need to steal cash or snacks in order to pay for their expenses.
In addition
, when the state of world politics becomes increasingly volatile, governments can
use
 modern
technology
,
such
webcams
Change preposition
as webcams
show examples
, to monitor and protect their citizens.
For instance
, the government has installed several cameras, inspecting gates, and x-ray machines at Tan Son Nhat Airport, a vital location that receives a large number of
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
show examples
 each day, in an effort to protect citizens from terrorism. Given the advantages of
this
 course of action, it is accurate to state that it is an appropriate
use
 of public funds.
This
 is
due to
 the accuracy and effectiveness of modern
technology
.
Moreover
, a crucial requirement for managing the public is that some of them be able to work continuously. Using the speed measuring equipment as an example, users can
use
 it on highways and other roads to record the speed of their vehicles and transmit the data to law enforcement. Police officers no longer have to stand in the sweltering sun or on overcast days. In conclusion, as the proportion of criminals rises, many governments are spending money on new
technology
.
Therefore
,
this
 is an appropriate
use
 of public funds and has the potential to result in positive changes.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Be sure to directly address all parts of the task. Your essay sometimes deviated from the primary topic of why governments are investing in new technology and its appropriateness.
Task Achievement
Try to provide more varied and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments. While the examples given are good, incorporating a broader range could enhance your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical flow of ideas throughout your essay. While you've done well in structuring your essay, some parts could benefit from clearer transitions and linkages between ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be consistent in your point of view and ensure that your conclusion aligns with the arguments presented in the body of your essay.
Introduction/Conclusion
You have made a commendable effort in introducing and concluding your essay, providing a clear framework for your discussion.
Supported Main Points
Your use of technology-related examples, like speed measuring equipment and security measures at airports, effectively illustrates your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • digital transformation
  • service delivery
  • transparency
  • accountability
  • tech-savvy
  • contemporary lifestyle
  • public satisfaction
  • data management
  • smart city technologies
  • predictive policing
  • data privacy
  • digital divide
  • inclusivity
  • governance
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
Look at other essays: