IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Young individuals are persuaded to perform better in academic work in today's context, part of society commonly believes that academically non-related areas
such
Linking Words
 as physical
education
Use synonyms
 and
cookery
Use synonyms
 should be removed from the
school
Use synonyms
 curriculum to accommodate and prioritise academic work.In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 leads to an unhealthy young generation with a lack of practical
skills
Use synonyms
 to strive in society.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 writer wholeheartedly disagrees with the captioned statement. First and foremost, a lack of
skills
Use synonyms
 and knowledge in physical
education
Use synonyms
 prone the individual with less interest in exercises and less physical activity. Lack of exercise leads the individual into obesity and more prone to non-communicable diseases, who ends up as an unhealthy individual.
For instance
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 research done by the University of Peradeniya 8 years ago, more than 20 % of
school
Use synonyms
 children under age 12 had type 2 Diabetes mellitus, and they pointed out the fact, that children who had the disease did not participate in any sports activities in the
school
Use synonyms
, and
this
Linking Words
 key research led the Sri Lankan authorities to make physical
education
Use synonyms
 as a compulsory subject to ordinary level students in Sri Lanka.
Hence
Linking Words
 physical
education
Use synonyms
 at a young age is very important.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
subjects
Use synonyms
 like
cookery
Use synonyms
 can cultivate life
skills
Use synonyms
 and career opportunities for youngsters. In the modern contemporary era,
education
Use synonyms
 should focus on the independence of the student,
while
Linking Words
 vocational
subjects
Use synonyms
 help in doing so. Other than that, it can create future pathways for job opportunities in the
cookery
Use synonyms
 industry, for those who are not interested in academic careers.
For instance
Linking Words
, the famous chef Pabilis Silva once told in a TV interview that he understood his passion for cooking from his
school
Use synonyms
cookery
Use synonyms
 teacher.
Thus
Linking Words
, vocational
subjects
Use synonyms
 have a huge impact on one life. In conclusion, theoretical and academic learning is important for the young generation , but
subjects
Use synonyms
 like physical
education
Use synonyms
 and
cookery
Use synonyms
 help to have better health in adult life
while
Linking Words
 having good social and career
skills
Use synonyms
 to strive better in society.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 writer has a strong notion that non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 should be taught at the
school
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

style
Your essay presents a strong argument, effectively arguing against the removal of non-academic subjects from the school syllabus. To further enhance your essay, consider diversifying your sentence structures and employing a wider range of vocabulary for even greater impact.
content
You've nicely integrated examples to support your viewpoints, which adds credibility to your arguments. For future essays, you might explore more varied examples from different contexts to broaden the perspective.
structure
Your essay structure is commendable, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that succinctly summarizes your stance. To improve, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, providing clearer topic sentences if needed.
content
Effectively argued against the removal of non-academic subjects, demonstrating a clear understanding of the topic.
examples
Good use of real-life examples to support points, enhancing the persuasive power of your essay.
structure
Well-structured essay with a logical flow of ideas, making your argument easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: