IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Violent leisure programs has bad impacts on children. What are the causes and solutions for this problem?

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Spending quality
time
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 on violent leisure programs for
children
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 has become one of the most urgent challenges in recent years.
This
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 essay will dig into
this
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 phenomenon, including the impact of
this
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 and giving temporary solutions.
To begin
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 with, there is an indisputable fact that There are some causes why numerous
children
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 are suffering from some dangerous programs their appearance may be appealing ,but they stem from physical and mental. The first reason for
this
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 trouble,
children
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 have a lack of control at home and school which these places are vital areas for the development of
children
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 .
For example
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, some parents with busy long working hours shower the presents like smart gadgets for their generations to have fun and prevent them from disturbing since sometimes they have work at home.
Similarly
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, some teachers do not want the responsibility of concentrating on their students.
As a result
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, they can not observe their student's bad behavior which is caused by wasting
time
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 in different violent programs. Turning to the way to tackle
this
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 issue, some resolutions could be mentioned. First and foremost, controlling spending free
time
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 alternatively should be an essential part of their parent’s daily routine.
Instead
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 of putting forward smart gadgets, they ought to teach their
children
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 to contribute their
time
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 effectively, like going to the gym or learning new skills at educational centres.
Furthermore
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, teachers have to be responsible for making students’ parents aware of their
children
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’s bad changes on
time
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.
To sum up
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, the needs of both parents and teachers are pivotal. Helping
children
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 distribute their activities appropriately is a great way to prevent them from being victims of these violent games.

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introduction
Make sure to have a clear thesis statement in your introduction that outlines the causes and solutions you will discuss.
supporting examples
Use clear and specific examples to support your points more effectively. This helps to make your arguments more persuasive and clear.
tone
Try to maintain a formal tone throughout the essay. Avoid contractions and informal expressions to enhance your essay's professionalism.
sentence structure
Work on sentence structure to improve readability. Varying sentence length and structure can make your essay more engaging and easier to follow.
grammar
Pay attention to grammar and usage to minimize errors. Proofreading your work can help identify and correct these mistakes before submission.
task response
Your essay addresses both the causes and solutions related to the topic, meeting the task requirements well.
organization
The organization of your essay shows a good attempt at coherence, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
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