IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

In many countries governments are living in new technology to deal with the public. Why is this happening? Do you think this is an appropriate use of government money?

#countries #governments #technology #government #money
Recently, authorities worldwide have been refining new technology to better serve the people. Personally, I think that
this
 is a good use of public funds and that the cause for
this
 move is the rising number of offenders. One of the most important things that must be considered is the crime rate in urban areas is increasing rapidly.
This
 is because of the financial struggle in the world.
As a result
, many employees have to face financial difficulties, especially those who have poor circumstances, and they may steal money from their companies or their bosses.
Furthermore
, the political problems in the world have become increasingly stressful. Some of the heads of the state are being threatened by terrorist organizations.
For example
, the president of the United States always has their guards around him when he meets the public or visits other countries.
Thus
, governments should apply more and more automation to communicate with the public. Looking at the benefits of
this
 action, it is true to say that it is a suitable way to spend government money.
This
 is because new machinery can work effectively and accurately.
Furthermore
, some of them can work non-stop, which is an important demand to manage the public. Taking the speed measurement machine as an example, people can apply it on highways or roads to measure vehicle’s speed and send information to police officers.
As a result
, police do not have to stand under the burning sun or on rainy days.
Consequently
, the authorities should use technology to cope with the social. And it has a lot of advantages when using new machinery.
Submitted by khoi11nk11e on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure the essay directly addresses all parts of the task. Your essay should clearly explain why governments are investing in technology and then directly answer whether it's an appropriate use of funds. Consider expanding your discussion to more directly answer both questions.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence, try to make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is expanded on through the paragraph. Use linking words to better connect your ideas.
Task Achievement
For a more fluent and comprehensive response, consider incorporating a wider range of examples and explanations that directly support your points about the benefits and reasons for technology use by governments.
Task Achievement
To strengthen your argument, consider discussing potential downsides or challenges of technology use by governments and how they might be addressed, providing a more balanced view.
Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear opinion, affirming the use of technology by governments as beneficial.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay structure is logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Task Achievement
You've provided relevant examples, such as the speed measurement machine, to support your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • digital transformation
  • service delivery
  • transparency
  • accountability
  • tech-savvy
  • contemporary lifestyle
  • public satisfaction
  • data management
  • smart city technologies
  • predictive policing
  • data privacy
  • digital divide
  • inclusivity
  • governance
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
Look at other essays: