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Band 3

Some people think that the government should be responsible for crime prevention, while others believe that it is the responsibility of each individual to protect themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #crime #prevention #responsibility
Many people are convinced that the government
ought
Add the word
ought to
show examples
 be accountable for eliminating
crimes
 ,
whereas
 others believe that the population
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should protect themselves . In my opinion ,I consider that the government has more influence to deter
crimes
. On the one hand ,some argue that the government must take the initiative in order to prevent
crimes
, and I agree. In other words, the state has the ability to implement new regulations and laws that can help to decrease misdeeds.
Additionally
, only the system can punish offenders
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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murderer
Fix the agreement mistake
murderers
show examples
. To illustrate, there are several decisions which can only be taken by the judge
such
 as capital punishment.
On the other hand
, it is often thought that citizens have to take care of themselves and be cautious.
That is
 to say , people should be careful and put the danger in mind.
Moreover
 , parents must look after their
teenagers
Replace the word
teenage
show examples
 children and protect them from
crimes
.
Consequently
, they will be
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
safe if they prevent themselves. In conclusion,
while
 people may vary in their opinions, I think that
law makers
Correct your spelling
lawmakers
show examples
 are in charge in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of eliminating misdeeds.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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Clarity & Development
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. Providing specific examples would strengthen your argument.
Coherence
Transition smoothly between ideas using a variety of linking words. This will help in enhancing the flow of your essay.
Opinion Depth
Clarify and expand on your opinion more. While you've presented it, going deeper into why you hold this view with more detailed reasoning could be beneficial.
Balanced Discussion
You've presented a balanced view by discussing both perspectives and giving your opinion, which is good for task achievement.
Structure
The structure of your essay, with an introduction, body paragraphs for each view, and a conclusion, is well-organized.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsible for crime prevention
  • legislative power
  • trained personnel
  • public institutions
  • police force
  • judiciary
  • correctional facilities
  • maintain law and order
  • public good
  • personal accountability
  • self-defense measures
  • security systems
  • vigilant
  • community watch programs
  • education on personal security
  • empower individuals
  • reduce the risk of becoming victims of crime
  • synergistic approach
  • robust governmental measures
  • proactive steps
  • collaborative approach
  • foundation of security
  • aware and prepared citizenry
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