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Band 4

These days we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television and this is having a negative impact on children's beahaviour.do you agree or disagree?

#amount #violence #television #impact #children #beahaviour
Nowadays,
there
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are huge number of
violence
 can
see
Wrong verb form
be seen
show examples
 on television and
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
news
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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giving
Verb problem
having
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 a bad influence
to
Change preposition
on
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 children and
to
Change preposition
on
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 the whole
society
Change preposition
of society
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 as well. I strongly believe that to build up
valuable
Correct article usage
a valuable
show examples
 society,
yong genaratins
Correct your spelling
young generations
 should be inspired
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 good examples and better behaviour.  
Firstly
, the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
violence
 are getting increase
people's
Change preposition
in people's
show examples
 education and family background. Most of the
students
 are going
Change preposition
to colleges
show examples
colleges
Fix the agreement mistake
college
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 and they
are not only study
Change the verb form
are not only studying
show examples
. They learn good
beahaviour
Correct your spelling
behaviour
 from
there
Correct your spelling
their
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scool
Correct your spelling
school
.
Wehen
Correct your spelling
When
 increasing
those
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 number of
violence
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
means the education system
not
Add a missing verb
is not
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 done properly. And
also
 there parents
also
 have
avoid
Fix the infinitive
to avoid
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 their responsibility as well. In school,
students
 are getting
company
Add an article
a company
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 bad
students
 they unintentionally try to do bad things.
On the other hand
, the government needs to provide
student
Correct article usage
a student
show examples
 camping program as well.
Secondly
, when we watch
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tv we only can see
violence
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 robbery,
sexsual
Correct your spelling
sexual
harassments
Fix the agreement mistake
harassment
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 and
gun fires
Correct your spelling
gunfire
show examples
. There is another
reson
Correct your spelling
reason
violence
 getting high, once
students
finished
Wrong verb form
finish
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
high school they do not have enough
path
Fix the agreement mistake
paths
show examples
 to find because of
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 results. the government should implement some
cources
Correct your spelling
courses
sources
 for them too.
The young
Correct article usage
Young
show examples
 children think the
news
 on the
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
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 more valuable than being a good person. From the
news
 they should show what are the consequences when happens after doing the
violense
Correct your spelling
violence
. In conclusion, I suggest to
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 not to watch
violence
Replace the word
violent
show examples
news
 and try to
figerout
Correct your spelling
finger out
 essential
news
 day by day. I agree with
this
 point and after that children will gather good behaviours.
Submitted by lahiru_80 on

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structure
Consider focusing on clearer topic sentence construction at the beginning of each paragraph to better outline your main ideas.
examples
Work on developing your example further by linking them explicitly to the to how violence on TV affects children's behaviour.
grammar
Be mindful of sentence structure and grammar for greater clarity and better flow of your points.
task response
Revisit your introduction and conclusion to more directly address the prompt and clearly state your opinion.
structure
You've effectively used paragraphing to separate different ideas.
content
Your engagement with the topic shows a good understanding of the potential impacts of violence on TV.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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