IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

These days we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television and this is having a negative impact on children's beahaviour.do you agree or disagree?

#amount #violence #television #impact #children #beahaviour
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Recently, there
have
Change the verb form
has
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 been plenty of inappropriate information that
children
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 can access without any filter from many media,
such
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 as
violence
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explore both
perspective
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perspectives
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 to assess the extent to which everyone should pay attention to
children
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 who
got
Verb problem
have
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 an exposed
of
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to
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violence
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 since
young
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a young
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age
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. There are valid concerns regarding its negative impact on
children
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’s
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
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 in the future.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
children
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 who see any
violence
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since
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at
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earlier
Correct article usage
an earlier
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age
Use synonyms
 will be growing up with trauma. Later, they are prone
for
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to
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 having a mental health disease.
Also
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,
children
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 who still not dealing with their trauma will likely for having lower
self esteem
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self-esteem
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 than their peers.
This
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 can lead child
for having
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to have
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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bad academic performance during their school
age
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 and it can be a serious issue.
Secondly
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,
child
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the child
a child
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 learns from what they see.
Children
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 who do not have any
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guidance
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guide
Replace the word
guidance
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 from adults will see
violence
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 as a common thing to express their
feeling
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feelings
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.
This
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 is a big issue because
children
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 will act and do
the
Correct article usage
apply
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violence
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 without thinking that what they do
are
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is
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completely
Add an article
a completely
the completely
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 wrong thing. Different forms of abuse might appear every single day in the future. Other people might
be disagree
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disagree
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 and say that exposure
of
Change preposition
to
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violence
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since
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
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 young
age
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 will
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
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 their
self awareness
Add a hyphen
self-awareness
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.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
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 who used to see
violence
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 will make them know whether it is a bad or good thing since earlier. Because of that, as they grow up, they will experience some guilty
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
 and prevent them from doing
violence
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.
Moreover
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, other people believe that
children
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 should know many things before their school
age
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, including
violence
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, to make sure they are going to be brave
to
Rephrase
enough to
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 report any
violence
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 that they see later. In conclusion, I believe that exposure to
violence
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 from
young
Correct article usage
a young
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 is affected negatively. Parents should guide their
children
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 to prevent any harm that might be a problem in the future.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Try to structure your paragraphs clearly, marking your introduction, main body, and conclusion more distinctly.
task achievement
Develop your ideas further with more specific examples and evidences to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and transitions to improve the flow between ideas.
task achievement
You have addressed the prompt well by engaging with the topic and providing a clear personal stance.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good attempt at discussing both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitizes
  • imitate
  • aggressive behaviors
  • fear and anxiety
  • overall mental health
  • social skills
  • increased aggression
  • healthy relationships
  • academic performance
  • increased stress
  • distraction
  • negative influence
  • exposure to violence
What to do next:
Look at other essays: