IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct (e.g. Dinosaur, dodos …) There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

#process #species #e #g #dinosaur #dodos #reason #people
Some people say that extinction is a natural process and a plethora of
species
 evolve to replace each other. They assume that there is no reason to focus on
such
phenomenon
Correct article usage
a phenomenon
show examples
 and waste any effort to end it. From my perspective, it is a partial reality to explain vanishing of the animals and the issue needs some attention to slow it down or completely end it which will be examined
further
 in the essay.
To begin
 with, humans are entering some unchartered territories of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature. They are recklessly poaching animals.
For instance
, the turtle
species
 are under continuous threat. Not only
adult
Add a missing verb
do adult
show examples
 turtle gets killed for
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 flesh but
also
 people use
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 eggs to sell them in the black markets. There are numerous animals whose existence got threatened
due to
 the killings to satiate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human avarice
such
 as white
tiger
Fix the agreement mistake
tigers
show examples
 and even some of the bird
species
.
Hence
, hunting is not a natural process but it is an illegal activity. So, stringent regulations have to be placed to
encounter
Verb problem
avoid
show examples
 hunting and it could slow down the evasion of the
species
.
Moreover
, the
food
 chain is disturbed
due to
unnatural
Correct article usage
the unnatural
show examples
 disappearances of many
species
. These
species
 are
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
part of an ecosystem which is interconnected for each
others
Change noun form
other's
show examples
 needs. If one creature disappears
then
 other parts of its
food
 chain will be affected.
For instance
, if
tiger
Correct article usage
the tiger
show examples
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
completely
vanish
Correct subject-verb agreement
vanishes
show examples
then
Correct article usage
the deers
show examples
deers
Change the noun form
deer
show examples
 population will explode and they will become
burden
Add an article
a burden
show examples
 on the environment for their
food
. The forest cannot accommodate the
food
 needs
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 an outnumbered deer populace.
As a result
, many
species
 will automatically die in
this
 struggle.
Hence
, the unnatural causes for the animal's death should be identified and deterred. In conclusion, natural extinction is a slow process and nature itself adapts to the changes it makes.
However
, man-made disasters like poaching should be undone or investigated
otherwise
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 consequences might be detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the earth.
Submitted by DIANA on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure a clear thesis statement is presented in the introduction to directly address the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to enhance readability and interest.
Task Achievement
It's beneficial to briefly mention the counterargument to provide a more balanced view.
Task Achievement
You effectively used specific examples to support your points, enhancing the essay’s persuasiveness.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphing that aids in the presentation of ideas.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: