IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Governments give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere. Discuss both vioews and give your opinion.

#governments #support #artists #people #waste #money #vioews
In the modern era,
artists
 are being backed financially by authorities
while
 some individuals think the money can be spent on more beneficial things to society. I mostly agree with the statement and I think that funding should be spent on both public services and
artists
.
To begin
 with, supporting talented
people
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
show examples
 on the community. Some of these guys are exceptional and
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 that help, they can gain a global reputation and create masterpieces which make their
people
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
proud of them.
For example
, Goteh was a poor guy when the prime minister of Italy discovered his talent and helped him to enhance it but now, he has a universal renown.
Additionally
, some of these
artists
 can contribute to the
appereance
Correct your spelling
appearance
 of their cities and their
people
 as well
and
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 take
parts
Fix the agreement mistake
part
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 community jobs. The individuals who paint the walls of metro stations and
people
 who teach music to gifted students for free are good examples of
this
 issue. Despite having some benefits, the budget devoted to
artists
 can be dedicated to the whole community rather
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 just some members.
Firstly
, the government can use
this
 budget to combat poverty, crime and other problems that are becoming just the daily difficulties.
Last
 year in Saudi Arabia,
for instance
, the government devoted 30 million USD to help
people
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
quite
Correct your spelling
quit
show examples
 smoking and managed to reduce the rate of addiction in youth by 30 per cent
at the end
 of that year.
Secondly
, the environment needs some attention as well.
Therefore
,
this
 money can be contributed to environmental institutions which can revive our dear
palnet
Correct your spelling
planet
.
Finally
, educational facilities can be bought for schools by
this
 funding which
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 to train specialists for the future and increase the literacy rate.
To conclude
, I think the
governemnts
Correct your spelling
governments
government
 should decrease their
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
artists
 and pay more attention
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 other concerns of society.
Submitted by yasinisback8 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay maintains a clear progression of ideas throughout, occasionally, the connection between points could be made more explicit.
task achievement
Try to integrate examples more seamlessly into your arguments for a stronger impact.
coherence cohesion
Consider including a wider range of linking words to smoothly connect ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Articulated a clear opinion and supported it with relevant examples.
task achievement
Successfully covered both views of the argument before stating your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Good use of an introductory and concluding paragraph to frame your argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: