Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
With the advent of technological improvements, most children have been inclined to allocate most of their time
on
their mobile phones. A lack of social skills is the major reason behind Change preposition
to
this
prevalence. I believe that this
is a negative development because spending hours on screen can adversely impact children’s physical health.
There are many juveniles around the world who suffer from developing social skills, and, therefore
, they might find more
effective and easier to give the preference to use their phones Correct pronoun usage
it more
instead
of being sociable. For example
, when children who are obsessed with their voices and appearance encounter difficulties to find
friends outside, they tend to prefer creating friendships Change preposition
in finding
in
the Internet because online acquaintances do not demand communication abilities and revealing their appearance. Change preposition
on
In addition
, finding foreigner
friends is Replace the word
foreign
also
accessible online, and it may give juveniles more chances in order to avoid being alone and unsociable.
I consider this
trend as a negative development because allocating several hours to the
smartphones exerts some adverse effects on the minors’ well-being. First of all, watching screens for a long time Correct article usage
apply
are
highly likely to damage children’s Correct subject-verb agreement
is
eye
. The particular research in the UK proves that most of the various visual problems in the patients stem from Fix the agreement mistake
eyes
electronical
devices Correct your spelling
electronic
such
as phones and computers apart from natural factors.
In conclusion, higher
possibility for Add an article
the higher
a higher
the
minors to create strong friendships Correct article usage
apply
in
the Internet Change preposition
on
are
the main cause Change the verb form
is
that
underlying Correct word choice
apply
this
tendency. However
, I think that this
can contribute to the negative consequences in terms of their health.Submitted by writingbhos on
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example
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by specific examples. While you touch on important points, including more detailed examples would strengthen your argument.
development
Work on developing your ideas further. For example, when discussing the negative effects of smartphone use on children's health, providing more evidence or examples would be beneficial.
sentence structure
Pay attention to sentence structure and avoid repetition. Varied sentence structures can make your essay more engaging.
structure
Your essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argument.
task response
You effectively identified a key issue regarding children's use of smartphones and provided a clear opinion, demonstrating good task achievement.
cohesion
You've made a good attempt to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs, which is essential for coherence.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.