In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
There is
conflicting
argument Correct article usage
a conflicting
whether
senior Change preposition
about whether
citizens
bring problems for governments. In my opinion, the advantages
outweight
the Correct your spelling
outweigh
disadvantages
because they have a crucial role in maintaining and diseminating
cultural Correct your spelling
disseminating
values
and become
independent Wrong verb form
becoming
people
.
The increasing number of elderly people
in certain country
are more likely to decrease national income Fix the agreement mistake
countries
duo
to the fact that the Correct your spelling
due
government
should alocate
their budget for their living. In Nordic Correct your spelling
allocate
locate
countries
, such
as Findland
and Sweden, that well-known as welfare state Correct your spelling
Finland
countries
, government
Add an article
the government
spent
more budget for their senior Wrong verb form
spends
citizens
. Although
this
policy bring
them to be one of the Change the verb form
brings
most happiness
Correct word choice
happiest
countries
of
the world and the most Change preposition
in
convinience
places for Correct your spelling
convenient
convenience
aged
population, it Correct article usage
the aged
also
lead
to financial Change the verb form
leads
problem
for the Fix the agreement mistake
problems
government
. Furthermore
, the fact that elderly citizens
are unproductive, compared to young people
, it is clear that
their existance
Correct your spelling
existence
bring
more Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
disadvantages
than advantages
.
Those on the other side of the argument say that senior citizens
have a pivotal role for
society, particularly in maintaining traditional Change preposition
in
values
. In many developing countries
in Asia, such
as Indonesia and India, senior citizens
have a significant role in maintaining cultural values
and preaching these norms to younger citizens
. They tend to be cultural
broker between traditional norms that Add an article
a cultural
rooted
Add a missing verb
are rooted
from
their ancestor and Change preposition
in
modern
world where Correct article usage
the modern
young
population have to fight Add an article
the young
to
Change preposition
apply
this
phenomenon. Additionally
, it is important to note that they tend to be independent people
who do not depent
their Correct your spelling
depend
repent
live
from Replace the word
life
state's
budget or financial support from their sons and daughters. Correct article usage
the state's
Therefore
, it is clear that
the advantages
of senior citizens
outweight
the Correct your spelling
outweigh
outweighs
disadvantages
.
In conclusion, the number of senior citizens
are
not a problem for Change the verb form
is
government
since they play an important part Add an article
the government
of
Change preposition
in
culural
Correct your spelling
cultural
values
and more
likely to become independent Add a missing verb
are more
citizens
. Therefore
, the advantages
outweight
the Correct your spelling
outweigh
disadvantages
.Submitted by salwafahanim on
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Content and Development
Ensure a more balanced evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages in your argument to support your opinion more robustly.
Accuracy
Pay attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy, for instance, 'outweight' should be 'outweigh', 'Findland' should be 'Finland', and 'depent' should be 'depend'. Small inaccuracies can slightly distract from your message.
Language Use
Consider diversifying your sentence structures and utilizing a broader range of vocabulary to enhance your argument further and increase engagement.
Support and Examples
Work on providing more detailed illustrations and examples to substantiate your points. While you've mentioned several countries, expanding on specific policies or cultural contributions could enhance your argument's depth.
Introduction and Conclusion
You have effectively introduced and concluded your essay, framing your argument cohesively.
Logical Structure
Your essay maintains good logical structure, organizing thoughts in a manner that is easy to follow.
Use of Examples
You've included relevant examples from Nordic countries and Asian countries, showing an understanding of the global context of the ageing population.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic
Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.
You essay structure should look something like this:
- Introduction
- Body paragraph 1 – Problems
- Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
- Conclusion
Examples to start your body paragraph:
- One of the first problems of the...
- Another problem that needs to be considered...
- A possible solution to this problem would be...
- One immediate practical solution is to...