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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that professional workers such as doctors, nurses and teachers who make greater contributions to the society should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #workers #doctors #nurses #teachers #contributions #society #field #sports #entertainment
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A recurrent impediment in contemporary society is that designated categories of personnel,
such
 as medical practitioners or pedagogues, are accorded diminished respect and experience remuneration levels,
while
 individuals classified as celebrities and executives, whose professional contributions are arguably less consequential, enjoy vastly superior compensation. Personally, I subscribe to the notion that doctors and teachers warrant a salient increase in salary,
however
, it is undeniable that a significant portion of
workers
 fulfils indispensable functions within a society. On the one hand, it is reasonable to advocate for a substantial increase in compensation
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 professional
workers
.
Firstly
, teachers play a beneficial role in our society, which means they build up a foundational understanding
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 children. To be more specific, they cultivate intrinsic motivation within students and exert a critical influence on their future by imparting fundamental knowledge.
Likewise
, doctors and nurses are
also
 vital professionals.
For instance
, they made great effort by curing people from COVID-19, which was
demonstrably
Add an article
a demonstrably
the demonstrably
show examples
 detrimental event that could have resulted in the demise of millions.
On the other hand
, film stars and numerous more could be valuable,
as well as
 teachers or nurses. Undeniably, achieving widespread recognition often entails a considerable investment of effort and perseverance, any person who is well-known has put blood, sweat, and tears into his success,
therefore
, they justify a commensurate payment package. A reduction in
salaries
Correct article usage
the salaries
show examples
 of
workers
 solely based on their affiliation with
entertainment
Add an article
the entertainment
show examples
 industry is inequitable, it is crucial to consider the relative impact of their contributions.
Moreover
, most of us spend days watching films or performances.
For example
, the ubiquity of TV shows or concerts,
that
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 I believe everyone has watched at least once during
lifetime
Correct pronoun usage
their lifetime
show examples
, serves as evidence of
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 widespread consumption. The absence of
such
 entertainment would render life devoid of diversion. Taking everything mentioned into account, I would say that payment should be based on the dedication and diligence that
workers
 demonstrate in their respective endeavours, so that every individual’s hard work and commitment are valued and recognized, regardless of their occupation.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay provides a clear structure and progression of ideas, but sometimes, the flow of argument could be more logically connected between paragraphs. Consider using more linking phrases to guide the reader through your points more smoothly.
Task Achievement
You’ve taken a balanced approach to the topic, presenting both sides effectively. However, integrating more specific examples to support your arguments would strengthen your essay further.
Task Achievement
While your essay covers the topic comprehensively, adding a more explicit conclusion that summarises your stance would enhance clarity and provide a satisfying closure.
General
Be mindful of overly complex sentence structures which can detract from the clarity of your arguments. Aim for varied but clear sentences to maintain reader engagement.
Structure
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear framework for your argument.
Language Use
You have a strong grasp of vocabulary and use it to convey your points effectively.
Content & Engagement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, reflecting a balanced and well-considered perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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