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Writing Samples
Band 5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
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With the evolution of new technologies in the play arena, the current generation of
children
 prefers to indulge themselves in the latest gaming devices and spend
a
Correct article usage
the
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 majority of their spare
time
 gazing at a variety of screens that eventually keep them entertained. I,
however
, find
this
 rising trend fairly dysfunctional and believe its demerits outweigh the merits to a fair extent.
To begin
 with, the new play devices
such
 as video games have resulted in a highly increasing issue of eye fatigue and poor
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
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 owing to the increased screen
time
.
Secondly
,
this
 trend keeps
children
 indoors throughout the day leading to minimal or no physical engagement. Ultimately, their limited social interactions with other
children
 of their age and reduced exposure to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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real-life instances result in restricted
overall
 development of the minds and bodies of these
children
.
On the other hand
, these new innovations have proven helpful in keeping the
children
 engaged thereby making the parents' lives easier considerably. These have been highly encouraged in the career-oriented society where parents have very limited
time
 to play with their babies. But,
on the contrary
, the increasing involvement of these youngsters in virtual entertainment platforms has raised a big question on the emotional bonding of parents with their little ones.
To conclude
, I strongly believe that it's high
time
 to keep a check on the
time
 kids spend on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology.
This
 will not only ensure their physical health but
also
overall
Correct article usage
the overall
show examples
 growth of their well-being.
Submitted by Nirbhay on

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Enhancing arguments
Consider incorporating more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Providing real-life scenarios or research findings could make your point more compelling.
Improving flow
Transition more smoothly between paragraphs. Using connecting phrases can help your essay flow more naturally from one point to the next.
Balancing argument
To clarify and deepen your analysis, weigh the advantages against the disadvantages more distinctly. Clearly stating how one outweighs the other with more detailed comparisons could enhance the balance and depth of your analysis.
Structure
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your essay.
Task response
You have done well to cover both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the task.
Coherence
Your essay maintains a logical structure, making your arguments easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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