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Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think children have the freedom to make mistakes, while other people believe that adults should prevent children from making mistakes. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #children #freedom #mistakes #adults
Education continues to be controversial, as everyone’s life involves it. Recently, the issue of whether to intervene in
children
's
mistakes
 has become a topical question. I will discuss both sides of the issue as follows. On the one hand, those who support the idea of encouraging
children
 to make
mistakes
 point to the positive consequence of personal experiences. If the youth want to learn a lifetime lesson deeply, experiencing it by themselves may
Add a missing verb
be an
show examples
an the
Choose an article
an
the
show examples
 effective way.
Furthermore
,
while
 youths make
mistakes
, it is more likely to stimulate their critical thinking and self-reflection.
However
, avoiding
mistakes
 may lead
children
 to become less creative or adventurous.
This
 is a special case which usually occurs when
parents
 use the wrong way of communication, like preaching or similar maltreatment, to stop
children
’s actions. These characteristics are more important in modern society, leading their child to be less competitive.
On the other hand
, people who oppose
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
such
statement
Correct article usage
a statement
show examples
 suggest that youths would take less cost.
Parents
 may give useful advice when they have experienced tasks or issues that are similar to what their kids face.
In addition
, there are some viral
mistakes
 that need to be controlled or would lead to devastating consequences.
For instance
, the child who experienced campus bullying may become suicide assaulters, which can only be fixed by their
parents
 to give positive energy.
Finally
, there are many excellent abilities,
such
 as critical thinking, which can be learned from the guidance of
parents
,
will
Correct word choice
and will
show examples
 make
children
 have a better life in the long term.
Overall
, it appears to me that the stronger argument is in favour that
parents
 should prevent
children
 from making
mistakes
, with all the advantages of avoiding viral
mistakes
 and less cost made by
children
.
This
 is provided that here would be the positive way of communication, without losing
further
 independent thinking of their
children
.
Submitted by yu18526106986 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure to provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. While you've included examples, digging deeper into real-life scenarios or studies could provide a stronger basis for your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to enhance readability and flow. This will make your essay more engaging for the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using linking phrases more effectively to connect your ideas smoothly. This can help in making your argument more coherent and easy to follow.
Task Achievement
You've done well in discussing both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view before stating your own opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion summarizing your stance, is commendable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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