IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Fewer young people choose to work in farming. What are the reasons? Should young people be encouraged to do farming work?

#people #work
In recent years, some youths have decided to return to their hometowns for many reasons
such
 as avoiding the pollution in
cities
 or being keen to
further
 their parents' businesses.
However
, I disagree with
this
 viewpoint and the ideas to support my opinion will be outlined in the following paragraphs before a conclusion is reached. After graduating, fewer young people plan to go back to their country to dodge the pollution which comes from urbanisation in major
cities
,
for instance
, air, noise and traffic pollution that affect their health
as well as
 their emotions directly.
Furthermore
, Living in their birthplaces provides them with clean and fresh air quality,
also
 less chaos compared to urban areas. Some of them
also
 want to
further
 their family's work that has passed through generations,
in particular
 agriculture.
Additionally
, these provide them with money more than they earn in jobs in large companies in capitals.
However
, I strongly disagree with
this
 idea because the growth of the population has increased in these decades. It comes with job opportunities, ease of transportation etc. Despite going back, young individuals can use the benefits in big
cities
 to
further
 their businesses in the countries by presenting them to globalised investors, convincing them to buy their products.
Moreover
, These investors always buy products in a mass with a long-term contract and it will guarantee the earnings of their family's businesses. In conclusion, there are many reasons for young individuals deciding to go back to their hometowns. We should incentivise them to work in the
cities
 as they can take advantage of it which will give them a chance to proceed with their family's business in the future.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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Introduction
Your introduction could more directly address the question by stating the reasons young people avoid farming and whether they should be encouraged to pursue it. Consider explicitly mentioning the essay's stance on these points early on.
Detail Examples
Use examples more specifically related to farming to support your arguments about why young people are moving away from farming and how they could be encouraged to stay or return.
Paragraph Structure
Ensure a clear distinction between paragraphs discussing different ideas for improved coherence. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that indicates the main idea.
Conclusion
Your conclusion could more directly summarize the reasons discussed and your stance on whether young people should be encouraged to do farming work, reinforcing the essay's main points.
Cohesion
Consider diversifying your sentence structures and using a variety of cohesive devices to enhance the readability of your essay.
Originality
You present a unique perspective on the issue, considering both the benefits of rural life and the advantages of urban opportunities for business.
Essay Structure
You demonstrate a good attempt at structuring your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Logical Flow
There is a logical flow to your argument, making it easier for the reader to follow your reasoning.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • intrinsic preference
  • liberating
  • physical activity
  • chronic diseases
  • natural light
  • job satisfaction
  • environmental connection
  • monotonous
  • dynamic
  • stimulating
  • fulfilling career
  • creativity
  • inspire
  • office politics
  • corporate structures
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