IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the danger of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is a constant argument about whether former inmates might act as speakers to educate teenagers about the perils of criminal behaviour. Some believe that these
people
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 are the best to talk about the crime and its consequences.
This
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 essay strongly disagrees with
this
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 statement because there are some offences and reasons behind them that would not be good and easy to understand by young adults.
To begin
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 with, some criminals commit very serious felonies, and even if they are reformed, no one would like them near their children.
For example
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, the wrongs are related to sexual assault or acts of terrorism. There is a serious doubt that it would be useful for children to meet these
people
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 and talk about their reasons for becoming criminals, and the harshness of prison. More like teenagers might be scared and get psychological trauma. There is Anders Breivik, who attacked and killed the participants of the summer camp in Norway. He can hardly ever be a role model for young
people
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, even if he tells them that he is sorry for what he has done.
Furthermore
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, not all offenders have the skills to talk to minors and deliver their messages responsibly and sensitively, avoiding the glamorization of criminal behaviour or the reinforcement of negative stereotypes. They might lack credibility and authority in the eyes of teenagers or send mixed messages to impressionable youth. There are enough examples when young
people
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 might be inspired by the story of infamous criminals of the past, and start to follow their steps, especially in developed countries.
Hence
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, these risks of meeting former offenders should be seriously taken into account , considered, and mitigated.
To conclude
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,
while
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 there is a debate about whether adolescents should have chats with ex-convicts in order to prevent potential future crimes,
nevertheless
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, it might not be the best idea, because some felonies are really hard to talk about with minors, and might be understood wrongly by them, that can lead to trauma or even to the glorifying of the wrongdoing.

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Task Response
Consider balancing your argument by addressing counterpoints or acknowledging situations where ex-convicts might positively influence teenagers, thereby strengthening the complexity of your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to link your ideas more seamlessly, using a wider range of cohesive devices and transitioning phrases to guide the reader through your argument more fluidly.
Structure
In your introduction, clearly outline your stance and briefly mention the reasons you will discuss to provide a roadmap for your essay.
Content Support
You provided specific examples that support your main points effectively.
Task Achievement
Your introduction and conclusion clearly state your position, aligning well with the task requirements.
Coherence
The logical structure of your essay aids in the clear presentation of your ideas.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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