IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Today more people put personal and private information online (address, telephone number,...) to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

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It is said that an increasing number of people now share private
information
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 online, including their address, phone number, and other details, in order to do daily activities like banking, shopping, and socializing. In my view, it can be a negative advance, because of identity theft scams and
invasion
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 of
privacy
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. On One hand, identity theft scams are one of the biggest threats to modern societies these days.
In other words
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, when people use computers or the Internet and provide private
information
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 online like their name, phone number, etc, may be a victim of online abuse and exploitation, where a secure network security system does not exist.
For example
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, if someone enters their bank account
information
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 and personal details in online shopping, they may be hacked their
information
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 may be stolen and their bank account can be emptied, which is happening a lot these days,
therefore
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, people need to be careful and wisdom and use secure network connections, in order to protect themselves from the implication.
On the other hand
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,
invasion
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 of
privacy
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 has a negative impact on life.
this
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 means that someone tries to find out details about another -person's private affairs in a way
that is
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 annoyed or upset.
While
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 daily activities may become more efficient and convenient Via the use of a network online as compared to in-person visits, it is important to pay attention to the risks associated with sharing
information
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 online.
Invasion
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 of
privacy
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 is a violation of a person's personal and private space and can lead to anxiety, stress and emotional distress.
For example
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, by selling personal
information
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 to another without consent, they begin to create annoyance, fear, and discomfort
as well as
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 extort. The results of these actions are in many ways irreversible and can be mentally frustrating. In conclusion,
although
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, sharing personal
information
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 is increasing online, It can lead to cyber crimes including identity theft scams and
invasion
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 of
privacy
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, which they are a negative impact on our lives, We should be vigilant citizens to prevent consequences from them.

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advice
Clarify and articulate points more clearly. For example, explain how using secure network connections can mitigate some of the risks discussed, and elaborate on the possible measures individuals and organizations can take.
advice
Focus on maintaining a consistent tone and avoid overly casual language. Properly structure your paragraphs to improve readability.
advice
Improve grammatical accuracy and word choice to ensure fluidity in the text. For example, correct phrases like 'secure network security system' to 'secure network' and check for grammatical agreement.
advice
Remove unnecessary repetition, such as 'invasion of privacy is a violation of a person's personal and private space.' This will make your writing more concise.
positive
Introduction and conclusion are present and clearly stated, nicely framing the essay.
positive
The essay fully answers the prompt, addressing both positive and negative aspects of putting personal information online.
positive
Main points are generally well-supported, with relevant examples addressing identity theft and invasion of privacy.
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