People nowadays spend their free time less actively than in the past. Do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays,
children
are less active in their leisure time than in
many decades ago. Change preposition
apply
As a result
, many sports
lessons
must be mandatory in education. However
, I am not convinced by the statement for some reasons mentioned in this
essay.
On the one hand, schools must add some sports
lessons
to the curriculum. The first reason is that if people are unfit or have some health problems, the government will have to spend a lot of money on medical care in the future and
cause many problems for society, Correct word choice
apply
therefore
, more children
are
participating Unnecessary verb
apply
sports
now means that more people will be healthy in the future and physical activity Change preposition
in sports
also
improves children
's mental well-being which helps children
have fun and avoid stress . Another reason is that sports
help children
learn discipline, patient
and working with others as a team which can help Replace the word
patience
children
become more independent.
On the other hand
, I reckon that sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
lessons
should not be compulsory at school. First and foremost, when children
participate in sports
, if they are not careful, they can suffer from serious and dangerous injuries. Secondly
, to provide children
with a good training environment, schools need to spend a lot of money on sports
facilities, sports
equipment and many other things. Thirdly
, playing sports
too much can make children
to
lose focus on their studies. Change the verb form
apply
In addition
, engaging in sport
Change the noun form
sports
lessons
takes up a significant amount of valuable study time. Last
but not least, some young people do not enjoy sports
, because they don't like physical activity or they consider it a waste of time.
In conclusion, participating in sports
can bring many physical and mental benefits to children
, but I think sports
lessons
should not be mandatory at school, and theses
Correct your spelling
these
lessons
should be optional subjects for children
,
so that they can feel comfortable when taking part in studying.Remove the comma
apply
Submitted by ieltswritingpracticedl on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Your essay does address the prompt and provides a balanced view, discussing both sides of the argument. However, your argument that sports lessons should not be mandatory at schools could be further developed with more specific examples or evidence to improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your response.
coherence cohesion
Consider refining your main points. Some ideas are repeated, and could be consolidated for a clearer, more cohesive argument. Using transitional phrases more effectively could improve the overall flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your arguments well.
supported main points
Most of your main points are sufficiently supported, showing that you have a good grasp of the topic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.