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Band 6.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
Opinions are divided on whether
parents
 should teach young students how to behave in order to be good citizens in our society or
schools
 should teach it. Both sides of opinions will be discussed in the essay, followed by my perspective on
this
 question. Those who advocate
parents
 should be responsible for educating their
children
 may put forth the following argument. A family is the first place where a young kid observes behaviours and is told what are basics to be a polite individual.
This
 is because
children
 spend more time at their homes than in
schools
 at younger ages, which results in
parents
 having many opportunities to teach them one-on-one. Saying thank you to others,
for example
, is one thing that should be taught by
parents
 even before
children
 attend
kindergartens
Fix the agreement mistake
kindergarten
show examples
.
Therefore
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 is no doubt that
parents
 play essential roles in guiding their offspring to be good individuals.
However
, those who think that it is better for
schools
 to teach students how to behave can
also
 justify their opinion. A school is the best place to teach inclusiveness, which is an imperative skill to be an excellent member
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 society. Evidence of
this
 can be seen in the fact that students might socialise with classmates from different countries and have various family backgrounds at
schools
, which means that they are exposed to different thoughts and cultures. Through
this
 process, young
children
 would feel these differences are norms and respect them, cultivating a strong sense of inclusiveness in the community.
As a result
, they obtain the main skills to be an excellent citizen from their
schools
. In my opinion, parental education and
schools
'
supporting
Replace the word
support
show examples
 at the same time is the best way to form a good citizen because it not only assists an individual's whole education but
also
 builds a foundation for being a good member of society.
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Language Use
For even higher scores, try incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and more sophisticated vocabulary. This can make your argument more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
Task Achievement
To enhance your task achievement score, consider providing more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This will make your argument more persuasive and grounded.
Task Response
Maintain the balanced approach you've taken here, discussing both sides of the argument before presenting your own view. This demonstrates strong critical thinking and engagement with the topic.
Organization
Your essay effectively structures an introduction, a discussion of both viewpoints, and ends with a clear conclusion, showcasing a good command of essay structure.
Task Response
You have clearly managed to articulate both sides of the argument and have provided a reasoned personal perspective, aligning well with the task requirements.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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