IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #choices #matters #food #clothes #entertainment #society #individuals #decisions
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Use synonyms
Decision making
Add a hyphen
Decision-making
show examples
 is a process that everyone learns with time and it is one of the best skills that one should possess. Some people believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should learn
this
Linking Words
 from their childhood by making their own
decisions
Use synonyms
 like what to wear, eat and things they want to keep themselves entertained, but there are some who think that
this
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 will make
children
Use synonyms
self centered
Add a hyphen
self-centered
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 and selfish. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both of these views and will discuss my opinion as
why
Change preposition
to why
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children
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to make some of their
decisions
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, everyone learns
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
important skills as they grow, and once they get exposure to learn these skills
such
Linking Words
 as
decision
Use synonyms
 making. Once
children
Use synonyms
 start making their own
decisions
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,
this
Linking Words
 gives them the confidence that they can do things as
per
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
likes
Correct subject-verb agreement
like
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, in
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 culture,
children
Use synonyms
 are responsible for making their own
decisions
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 from an early age and
this
Linking Words
 makes them
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
independent
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 in life.
Use synonyms
Decision making
Add a hyphen
Decision-making
show examples
also
Linking Words
 helps a child to enhance confidence as well.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, some believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should not be allowed to make any
decision
Use synonyms
 as
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 wish as they do not know what is good or bad for them. Parents believe that
children
Use synonyms
 have no experience of life so they are not able to make any
Use synonyms
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 for themselves.
For example
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Indian
children
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 are not allowed to make their
decisions
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 on their own as parents think they are responsible for their
children
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 and they are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who can make
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
Use synonyms
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 for them. But
this
Linking Words
 is not the reality, as young people will face many problems in future if they are not in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 habit of making their own
decisions
Use synonyms
.
This
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 will cause many problems like self-doubt, being
dependant
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 on others for each and everything and
this
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 will be a huge liability for every child once they grow. The gist of the matter is that
children
Use synonyms
 must be encouraged to make their own
decisions
Use synonyms
 like wearing clothes of their choice,
eating
Correct word choice
and eating
show examples
 their favourite food, so that they have the confidence
of making
Change preposition
to make
show examples
 important
decisions
Use synonyms
 in life once they grow up.
Submitted by kiran.deep24 on

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Introduction Clarity
Your essay introduction provided a clear overview of the topic, which is excellent. To enhance clarity, consider introducing your main arguments more distinctly in the introduction for a direct preview of your discussion.
Articulating Opinion
In discussing both views, you've made an effort to show both sides of the argument. For a higher score, ensure that your own opinion is distinctly articulated throughout the essay, not just at the end. This strengthens your overall argument and task response.
Using Examples
While you provided examples, using more detailed and varied examples to support your points could enhance your essay’s persuasiveness and the clarity of your arguments.
Linking Ideas
Your essay's logical structure is generally good, but creating more explicit connections between ideas and paragraphs could enhance its coherence. Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to show relationships between ideas more clearly.
Balanced Perspective
Provided a balanced view by discussing both perspectives on the issue, which demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Effective Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main points and reiterates your stance, which helps to reinforce your argument and provide a clear ending to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
What to do next:
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