IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. What extend do you argree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #government #focus #pollution #argree
Many people believe that
government
 should pay attention to
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 environmental
pollution
 and solve
problems
 to prevent
disaster
Change the noun form
disasters
show examples
such
 as
illness
 and disease.
This
 writer agrees with the statement and will discuss it below. The essential point can be recognized that
illness
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 from
pollution
. In many
high
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
level
Change to a plural noun
levels
show examples
 of
pollution
 areas, the local citizens always suffer from
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
belong
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to
Change preposition
including
show examples
 their
lung
Fix the agreement mistake
lungs
show examples
 and
stomach
Fix the agreement mistake
stomachs
show examples
. As we can see, when marine species live in polluted rivers and seas, they can be poisoned and
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 can be ill when they
ate
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 their
poison
Replace the word
poisonous
show examples
 food.
Moreover
, if
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 do not concentrate on decreasing the environmental
problems
 by solving the industry wastes into
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
. Another point is that air
pollution
 is not only bad for one
area
 but it
also
 causes damage to another
area
. For
examples
Fix the agreement mistake
example
show examples
, air
pollution
 can move to another
area
 and make that
area
 become polluted and increase the range of
illness
. When
residents’
Change noun form
residents
show examples
breath
Replace the word
breathe
show examples
 in
poisonous
Add an article
a poisonous
show examples
 atmosphere, their lungs will be poisoned and they will suffer from lung disorders,
moreover
, cancer can appear in their cells so it dangerously
effects
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their survivors. In consequence, the higher
level
Correct article usage
the level
show examples
 of
pollution
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
, the more people can die if
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 do not take any action to solve these
problems
. In conclusion,
humans'
Change noun form
humans
show examples
 health can be dangerously
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
 by
pollutant
Fix the agreement mistake
pollutants
show examples
 so
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 have to pay
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
attention to
solve
Wrong verb form
solving
show examples
pollution
problems
.
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Introduction
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines the discussion points.
Sentence Variety
Incorporate varied sentence structures to enhance readability.
Examples
Use more specific examples to support your arguments.
Grammar
Be mindful of occasional grammar inaccuracies that could potentially hinder clarity.
Coherence
Link your ideas more explicitly to make the progression of your argument more evident.
Position Clarity
You effectively maintained a clear position throughout the response.
Strong Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarized the essay’s main points and reitered your perspective.
Vocabulary
Good use of topic-specific vocabulary.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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