IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, government should focus on reducing environmental population and housing problems. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #government #focus #population
It is argued that authorities should emphasize environmental and accommodation issues as a method to deal with health problems. The writer agrees with
this
 assertion and argues against those who support treatment innovation as a better method. Some individuals may contend with the need for more medical cures when facing new illnesses or diseases.
This
 is based on the fact that they are paying much attention to how to defeat those bacteria and neglect the importance of limiting the obscured cause behind the problem.
As a result
, action will only be taken when the virus enters human bodies and spreads the contagious disease around the whole world, making a huge number of people suffer from pain and their detrimental symptoms.
For example
, during the COVID-19 pandemic, lots of money was invested in clinical cures but could not prevent thousands of deaths, questioning the essence of searching and analyzing food sources and other environmental factors from the beginning.
Therefore
, there are numerous reasons advocating the strategy of decreasing environmental and housing crises to improve the process of disease avoidance.
Firstly
, air and water pollution should be considered as the primary element leading to the decline in humans’ immune systems against those new invaders.
For instance
, the negative impacts of air pollution are reported to be not only a suitable place for virus growth but
also
 bring them into human bodies through noses or mouths, resulting in lung cancers.
As a result
, looking for a viable solution to tackle
this
 is one of the most effective ways of preventing diseases.
Also
, when solving accommodation concerns for individuals, the government can separate different groups of people, making it easier to manage and control when a new species of virus spreads. In brief, some may support new medical treatments as the best method for dealing with health problems.
However
, putting effort into tackling environmental and residential issues should be observed as a more ingenious solution.

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Task Achievement
You've made a convincing argument with a clear thesis statement, but consider diversifying your examples for a more comprehensive approach.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to enhance your essay by adding more complex sentence structures and a wider variety of linking words for better flow and cohesion.
Structure
Your essay has a clear logical structure, making your argument easy to follow.
Introduction & Conclusion
You effectively introduced and concluded your essay, framing your arguments well.
Content
You provided relevant examples that support your main points, enhancing the persuasive quality of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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