IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
Many people believe that
authority
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authorities
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 should pay attention to reducing environmental corruption and solve
obstacle
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obstacles
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 to prevent disasters
such
 as sickness and disease.
This
 writer agrees with the statement and will discuss it below. The essential point
can be recognized
Wrong verb form
is
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 that disability comes from infection. In many levels of infection areas, the local citizens always suffer from a variety of illnesses including their lungs and stomachs. As we can see, when marine species live in polluted rivers and seas, they can be poisoned and humans can be ill when they eat their poisonous food.
Moreover
, if the government do not concentrate on decreasing the environmental problems by solving the industry wastes into the environment. Another point is that air deterioration is not only bad for one space but it
also
 causes damage to another field.
For example
, air corruption can move to another area and make that area become polluted and increase the range of
ailment
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ailments
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. When residents breathe in a poisonous atmosphere, their lungs will be poisoned and they will suffer from lung disorders,
moreover
, cancer can appear in their cells so it dangerously affects their survivors. In consequence, the higher the level of abuse , the more people can die if the government do not take any action to solve
these complication
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this complication
these complications
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. In conclusion,
humans
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human
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 health can be dangerously affected by pollutants so the government have to pay attention to solving deterioration
complication
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complications
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.
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task achievement
Your essay introduces the topic effectively and provides a clear stance, which is great for task response. To further improve, ensure all your points directly support your argument and every paragraph contributes to your overall thesis.
coherence cohesion
You've structured your essay logically, with a clear introduction and conclusion. For coherence, work on linking your ideas more smoothly within and between paragraphs using a variety of connecting words.
task achievement
Including more specific examples or data to support your points would strengthen your essay. This makes your argument more persuasive and engaging to the reader.
task achievement
Effective introduction of topic and clear stance.
coherence cohesion
Good logical structure and presence of introduction and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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