IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should make efforts in reducing environmental pollutions and housing problems. To what extent do you agree to disagree with this statement?

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Some
people
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 believe that the authority can prevent
illness
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 by decreasing environmental and housing issues.
Form
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From
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this
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 author’s perspective. It may be meaningless when governments focus on reducing pollution
instead
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 of improving the quality of
medicine
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.
Firstly
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, there is an undeniable point that the majority of diseases often have their origins in pollution,
such
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 as asthma or lung cancer. Because of the massive amount of dust or impurity,
people
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 can be at risk of being affected by the high frequency of interaction in their work.
Moreover
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,
with
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apply
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the unhygienic and narrow
condition
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conditions
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 of some residents ‘houses,
it
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apply
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can allow some bacteria and viruses to develop in a convenient condition, causing dangerous diseases. So, if the government focuses on reducing environmental and housing problems, it can be effective in preventing
illness
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.
However
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, there is an obvious point: focusing on external effects cannot help
people
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 treat
illness
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 completely; it just makes the development slower because of the decrease in harmful effects.
Thus
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, concentrating on reducing natural effects may not prevent and decrease
illness
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 as effectively as
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people’s
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people
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expectations
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expect
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. In terms of
medicine
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, if the authorities focus on enhancing the quality of treatment, they minimize the risk of
illness
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. Obviously, with the advancement of medication, patients can be treated totally, notwithstanding how dangerous the disease is.
Additionally
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, with the development of medical technology, governments can help
people
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 prevent
illness
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 and disease effectively,
such
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 as by using distinctive vaccines or purifying the house with human-friendly chemicals that eliminate microorganisms.
Hence
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, focusing on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medicine
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 can be a more effective way than concentrating on environmental problems. In conclusion, focusing on environmental factors can help governments limit the cases of
illness
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, but it may be meaningless in treatment. So, concentrating on
medicine
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 with some effective ways to prevent
illness
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,
such
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 as modern equipment or vaccines, can be a more suitable choice.

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clearer and more balanced discussion of both viewpoints before articulating your stance. This would enhance the completeness of your response.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples by linking them more directly to your argument, to enhance clarity and relevance.
Task Achievement
Maintain a more consistent focus on the prompt's topic throughout your essay. This helps in achieving a complete response that thoroughly addresses the task.
Coherence & Cohesion
Keep your essay organized with clear paragraphing that distinguishes your main points. This supports logical structure and aids in the coherence of your text.
Coherence & Cohesion
Endeavor to connect your ideas and paragraphs more smoothly with transition words or phrases to enhance the flow of your essay.
Introduction & Conclusion
Introduced and concluded the topic effectively, providing a clear framework for your argument.
Logical Structure
Successfully employed a logical structure in presenting your arguments, which aids in reader comprehension.
Supported Main Points
Presented main points with supporting information, which strengthens your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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