IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people say that in order to prevent illness and disease governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
It
often
Add a missing verb
is often
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 said that with the aim of preventing disease and illness, the national authorities ought to concentrate on declining environmental contamination and insufficient housing. It is crucial to acknowledge that environmental pollution has adverse effects on humans, animals, and vegetation. With each passing minute, hundreds of lives are
died
Wrong verb form
dying
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 in the world, and the reasons for
this
 are from
people
’s daily activities – those related to the degradation of the environment.
For instance
, today’s farmers are no
stranger
Fix the agreement mistake
strangers
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 to the practice of overdosing the farmlands with pesticides and insecticides.
Besides
, countless factories are poisoning the water with toxic refuse and environmentally unfriendly chemicals. If efforts are made
in stopping
Change preposition
to stop
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 these activities, many
people
 would be saved from unnecessary diseases.
In addition
 to
this
, I feel that in order to combat disease, housing problems should be properly addressed, especially in metropolitan areas where accommodation is scarce, and
people
 are plentiful. Homeless
people
 who are forced to live in the gutter or in small sewage-ridden, iron sheds on the streets are carrying diseases that are highly infectious.
For
this
 reason, they should be provided with sanitary places where they can live so as not to affect the lives of other
people
.
Thus
, it can be seen that most modern diseases can be prevented if the governments are willing to introduce and enforce fiercely appropriate measures in handling
this
 situation. I hope that future generations enjoy lives with no disease.

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Task Achievement
To enhance task achievement, include a wider range of more specific examples and evidence across all your arguments. This will strengthen your position and provide a more detailed exploration of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas across paragraphs, ensuring smoother transitions between points.
Task Achievement
Work on developing your ideas further with more depth and complexity. Exploring alternative viewpoints before reaffirming your own position can add to the analytical depth of your essay.
Introduction/Conclusion
Effective introduction and conclusion, nicely framing the essay's main points and your stance.
Logical Structure
Good job on maintaining a clear logical structure throughout the essay, making your arguments easy to follow.
Supported Main Points
Your use of examples, though could be more specific, helps to support your main points and makes your argument more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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