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Band 6

Some parents think children should have mobile phones , others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#parents #children #phones
It is true that in
this
 day and age, opinion is divided over whether parents ought to provide an electrical device or not. In
this
 essay, I will look at both sides of
this
 debate
as well as
 offer my own point of view. Turning first of all to the arguments in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of
this
 idea, it goes without saying that it is true that
children
 are often not yet in control of themselves. In
this
 case, they could not control their schedules for using their gadgets. At the same time, Information obtained from the internet is not as accurate as information from books.
In addition
, the internet has a big potential to have a negative impact on
children
. As far as the other side of
this
 debate is concerned, it is generally acknowledged that in some families the
children
 may often be alone and have no choice
to
Correct word choice
but to
show examples
 have a mobile phone. It may
also
 be worth noting that the impact of
COVID 19
Add a hyphen
COVID-19
show examples
 has led to an increasing number of schools operating internet-based exits, and their usefulness is
also
 certain. In my opinion, I tend to believe that
children
 should not be given a mobile phone since the risks are far greater than
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 benefits, and damages can
last
 for a lifetime. By way of conclusion, from the ideas and examples above it can be seen that there are valid arguments on both sides of
this
 debate.
However
, I am of the opinion that, In the grand scheme of things, the disadvantages of owning a mobile phone outweigh the
merit
Fix the agreement mistake
merits
show examples
.
Submitted by yusei.nakano on

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Task Achievement
Consider providing more balanced examples and analysis for both views before concluding to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
To make your essay even more compelling, try to include more specific, real-world examples that support your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
For a more fluent reading experience, improve transitions between paragraphs and ideas to enhance coherence.
Coherence & Cohesion
Using a broader range of linking phrases can improve the flow and cohesion between sections of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've made a clear and structured argument which aligns well with the essay question.
Task Achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarises your opinion, reflecting good task achievement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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