Some children spend hours every day on smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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A group of children spend several hours in their routine on smartphones. I think the main reason is the virtual
world
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is more attractive than the real
world
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for them and if they do not find a balance they will not be able to tackle real problems so they will remain in difficulties.
To begin
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with, the most common item the youth population uses is phones and their lives bonded with
this
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device. Developments in technology have provided a wide variety
options
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of options
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for their users and
make
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made
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them able to experience virtual happiness,
and
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apply
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youngsters enjoy spending their time because they can control their
world
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completely and
this
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will give them a fake form of power and they get used to
this
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.
For example
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, there are a significant number of first-person games
which
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in which
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operators are able to follow their
patient
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patients
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and act freely in
this
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world
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, as graphs from game producers have revealed most of their gamers are under 17 . In my view, all the developments in the
world
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can be used appropriately and
also
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can be used in a harmful way,
as a result
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, overusing mobile phones is completely disadvantageous because it will not allow teenagers to experience their real life and they will not be able to have a perspective about their surroundings so when they go through their non-virtual
world
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, they will be shocked.
Moreover
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, if they spend several hours
while
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using phones they can not focus on their responsibilities,
such
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as studying and planning for their future, and they will face unsatisfactory results and these are not beneficial consequences.
For instance
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, the
overall
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grade for secondary schools in Iran has decreased dramatically and the authorities figured out the main reason was overusing smartphones. In conclusion, in my opinion, smartphones have spread all over the
world
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and all the population use them and especially children are the highest proportion among them,
this
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trend is completely negative because teens are not able to adapt themselves to real-life experiences,
furthermore
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, their grades and future will be impacted when they cannot achieve a balance for their daily use.
Submitted by soroushnorouzi0478 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your essay has clear paragraphs, each focusing on a single main idea. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the idea and concluding sentences to summarize or link to the next paragraph.
Task Achievement
In the development of your arguments, always link back to the question prompt to ensure relevance and maintain focus on the task at hand. This keeps your essay on track and demonstrates a full understanding of the requirements.
Language
Using a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures can help increase sophistication in your writing. While your current range is effective, aiming for greater variety can enhance your expression and can potentially improve your score.
Task Achievement
Consider including a paragraph that explicitly discusses the potential positives of smartphone use by children, to present a more balanced view before concluding. Balancing arguments can demonstrate an ability to critically evaluate a topic.
Task Achievement
Provided clear examples and reasons to support your arguments, which helps to strengthen your position and make your essay persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
You effectively concluded your essay by reiterating your main points, which is good practice for summarizing your argument and reinforcing your stance to the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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