IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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While
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 personal greed and selfishness are foundations of our modern world, some individuals believe that coming back to our great
traditions
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 like respecting local society might create creating
better
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a better
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 community. I do not agree or disagree with the given statement because we should have a strike balance between them.
To begin
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 with, there are some drawbacks in a complete selfishness for a human in society. If humans just consider themselves, they would not feel sympathy for other
people
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.
In other words
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, a lack of empathy in a society among citizens might have negative consequences for both the community and the
people
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.
For instance
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, in some communities where citizens would not assist and cooperate with others during some possible difficulties, there might be no sense of patriotism and caring about their countrymen.
On the other hand
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, a normal sense of being selfish in a person is actually necessary for personal growth. When having a normal degree of self-interest, individuals are able to achieve better opportunities in their lives.
On the other hand
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, returning back and being loyal to our great
traditions
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 have some benefits. When rebounding their ancient customs and
traditions
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, societies gradually improve cooperation and mutual support among
people
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. To put it differently, citizens with a feeling of being cooperative and supportive of others might be able to create a united country.
For example
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, in case a phenomenon happens in a part of the country,
people
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 from other cities would support it.
However
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, in our rapidly changing world, usually, it is not easy to change old rules. If the government are bound to old
traditions
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, it would probably pose some limits when implementing laws. Take new technologies as an example, there are no rules about
this
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 in ancient costumes.
Hence
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, it would be more rational to strike a balance between old tradition and selfishness to be respectful of costumes and realize the needs of modern humans. In conclusion, I take the view that in our modern world, we cannot hold our old ideas and be fully selfish
people
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 in the community. We ought to have a careful balance between them.

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Introduction
It's beneficial to introduce both sides of the argument in the introduction, to offer a clearer roadmap to the reader.
Support & Examples
Remember to provide more concrete examples to strengthen your points, which will make your arguments more persuasive.
Sentence Variation
Using variety in sentence structures can enhance the readability and sophistication of your essay. Try to vary your sentence length and structure.
Spelling & Grammar
Be cautious with spelling and grammar, as minor errors can detract from your overall argument. However, your message remains clear and impactful overall.
Conclusion
To strengthen your conclusion, you might reaffirm the significance of finding a balance between modern values and traditional practices more assertively.
Argument Balance
Your ability to address both sides of the argument shows a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
Organization
Your essay is well-organized, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic, which aids in clear communication.
Conclusion
The introduction of a balanced perspective in your conclusion effectively summarizes your stance.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
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