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Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #music #role #society #form #entertainment
One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is the function of
music
 in our world. It is undeniable that listening to
music
 has become an essential part of our lives.
However
, there is no absolute agreement on whether the
music
 that
people
 listen to should be traditional or international. A commonly held belief is that the traditional
music
 of a country is more crucial. As evidence of
this
, they point to public holidays the government should turn on traditional
music
instead
 of international.
Furthermore
, for traditional
music
 concerts tickets should be cheaper. It could be explained by the fact that
people
 will be more interested in tradition.
As a result
, it leads to the population being involved in their own
music
 and increases the popularity of
music
,
In addition
, it will increase the feeling of patriotism.
On the other hand
, some
people
 claim that the role of international
music
 is more enormous.
For instance
, they may mention that teenagers listen to the
music
 of foreign performers.
In addition
, in advertisements creators use other populations'
music
. The explanation lies in the fact that international soundtracks or backtracks have
been
Rephrase
not been
show examples
 extended yet.
Therefore
,
people
 will be involved in another culture rather than their own.
As a result
, traditional
music
 ranks will be decreased. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned before into account I would argue that the place traditional
music
 occupies is bigger than I expected, and
music
 has an influence on the country's economy.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Task Achievement
Consider enhancing your essay with more balanced exploration of both views before presenting your opinion to show a more comprehensive analysis.
Task Achievement
Make sure to include a clear thesis statement in your introduction to present your main argument or viewpoint, which helps in defining the focus of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly across the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Review and tighten the structure of each paragraph to ensure each one clearly introduces, develops, and concludes a single main idea, enhancing the essay's overall clarity and effectiveness.
Task Achievement
Your discussion provides a clear perspective on the importance of traditional music, effectively arguing its value.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structuring of paragraphs around distinct viewpoints helps in organizing the essay's argument logically.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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